Breaking Down The Barricade (Part II)
by BlackenedAngel
Summary: [Sequel to Breaking Down The Barricade] - At war with herself, Cara must prepare to face the consequences of her kept promise towards Ben Solo. Afraid of Kylo Ren's wrath, she worries that her loyalty towards the boy she once knew has jeopardized her relationship with the man he has become forever.
1. Chapter 1

"Do you remember the last time you were here?"

Cara almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of the voice behind her. A voice she had known for most of her life, and yet had only just been reacquainted with recently. She turned around, slowly, facing the only other woman who was feeling the same way she was. Alone, and guilty, and everything in between.

"Did you – did you know that we used to come here?"

"Did I know?' Leia asked, a humorous tone to her voice, 'of course I knew. I would always keep an eye out on you two, whenever you were overly excited and went exploring around the base. Never really had any reason to worry though. The two of you made quite an impressive team."

Cara smiled softly, her fingers gently brushing the thick layer of dust that had encrusted itself onto the map she held in her hands. It was one of the maps that she and Ben had plotted their future journeys and adventures on. It was the first thing she had picked up as soon as she had stepped into the small storage room. There were so many memories here, the weight of them crushing her shoulders and making it hard for her to breathe; and yet, she never wanted to leave. She wanted to remain in the past, forget about everything that had happened, close her eyes, and sleep.

She wanted to forget about Ben leaving her without saying goodbye when he went to train with his uncle. She wanted to forget about her time on Jakku without him, lonely and desolate, desperately trying to give some meaning to her life but always knowing there was something vital missing. She wanted to forget about Kylo Ren, the man that she had loathed at first but learned to love, and she wanted to forget the pained look in his eyes when the chasm in the First Order's planet had opened up between them and it had finally dawned on him which side she was choosing. She wanted to forget.

She gripped the map tighter, trying desperately not to cry, blinking rapidly in order to force the tears back behind her eyes. Leia, as observant as ever, noticed the action, and took a tentative step towards the young woman stood in front of her.

"How many times am I going to have to tell you that this is not your fault?" Leia said, softly.

"You could tell me that this was not my fault for an eternity and I still would not believe you." Cara replied, muttering angrily under her breath as she realized that her tight grip on the fragile map had caused a small tear at the top of the page. She rolled it back up gingerly, placing it on the shelves behind her before she could cause any more damage to this place, or to his memory.

"You've only been home for a few hours, Cara. I'm not giving up on you already."

"I would not blame you if you did."

Leia sighed, turning around to look at the shelves surrounding them in wonderment. The General had almost forgotten about this room that her son had spent so much time in until she had seen Cara run towards it once more after her return to base. After her return home.

"You know, I always did wonder why you two loved it down here so much. So much dust, so little light."

Cara turned her back on the older woman, happy to loser herself in memories that were not able to cause her any pain. Seeing Leia standing in this room, this room she and Ben had held so dear, was only a stark reminder of his absence.

"It was never about the room itself. You're right; it's dank and musty down here. Quite frightening too, if you are six years old and wandering these halls by yourself for the very first time. Ben and I found this soon after we met, you know. It was never even really about finding a place to hide. It was about the treasure we found inside. He was so inquisitive; I think he brought out a curious side in me that I had not even really known was there until I met him. Look at all these treasures around you, Leia. Look at how much history there is here, how many stories there are to explore." Cara said, but she paused for a moment as she picked up a pair of old goggles from a Resistance pilot's helmet, delicately turning it over in her hands as she smiled fondly at an old memory threatening to resurface again.

"I think I hear my son's influence in your words, Cara." Leia said. Cara's eyes snapped towards the other woman in the opposite corner, hoping beyond hope that she had not just offended her somehow.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up any unwanted memories." Cara said, rather quietly. The last thing she wanted was to make General Organa feel uncomfortable or sad. Cara felt she should be the only one to carry that burden.

"Unwanted memories? My dear girl, if you think a reminder of the wonderful young boy my son used to be – perhaps even, still is – is at all unwanted, you probably don't know me very well." Leia said, comfortingly laying a hand on Cara's shoulder as she spoke.

Cara lowered her gaze to the hand on her shoulder, a soothing and warm presence that warmed her cold and dry skin. A presence that made her feel more open, more willing to talk to the mother of the man that she loved so dearly. It was a needed presence, a reminder of where she was now, and the work that still needed to be done. The damage she needed to repair.

"He's very handsome you know; just like – just like his father." Cara swallowed, tears threatening to fill her eyes once more as she remembered the way Han Solo had touched his son's cheek so tenderly before falling into the black abyss below the Oscillator Bay. She could feel Leia's thumb stroking up and down her shoulder, reminding her that they were experiencing this pain together.

"I never doubted he would be." Leia smiled, albeit sadly, thankful that Cara seemed to be willing to tell her more about her son.

"His walk is still the same too – purposeful, agitated, long strides that are hard for me to keep up with." Cara turned to face Leia more directly, telling herself that the woman in front of her deserved to know about her son. Deserved to know the truth.

"Will you tell me more?" Leia asked. She would take any information that would fuel the ever-present hope inside of her.

"He's graceful, yet strong. Intimidating, yet never truly in control of his emotions. As inquisitive as ever, believe me. I could never utter a single word without him wanting to know the true meaning behind my words. I decided early on I should try and lead with the truth as much as I could. I thought – I thought it might remind Ben of the pact that we had made."

"Your promise to one another never to lie to each other. I remember. He told me about it. He was so proud to be your friend. He saw something wonderful in you, Cara. He saw something in you that may have been hard for other people to find." Leia said, her hand sliding down from Cara's shoulder to grip the younger girl's finger affectionately.

"I could never really lie to him anyways."

"I think he appreciated that about you."

Cara's hands started to tremble then, anger slowly welling up inside of her at his mother's sentiment. She often wished she could have lied, believing that it would have spared everyone involved so much pain, and so much anguish.

"Your inability to lie is a virtue Cara, not a fault. There is no need to become angry."

"I don't think I will ever stop being angry. Not unless we find a way to bring him back."

"Then that is what we will do."

Leia finally loosened her grip on the young girl's fingers, slowly moving out of the room only to look back as Cara spoke once more.

"He told me he would find me." Cara whispered, fear having replaced the anger in her voice.

"If you think that would surprise me, you'd be wrong."

"He promised he would find me."

"Does that frighten you?"

Cara wrapped her arms around herself, trying to control the trembling of her body as a result of the anger that was slowly subsiding. She could feel the two sides within her at war with themselves again; her burning desire to see him once more, to feel the light touch of his fingers against her skin and hear his words of pride and need threatened to overwhelm her. The other side of her knew the disgust she would feel with herself, the pain and anguish it would cause her to see the scar running down the length of his face and the resentment she would see in his eyes after he confronted her about her betrayal. After all, she had kept her promise to Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. Leaving them both was the hardest thing she had ever had to do.

"Yes."

Leia looked at the young woman in front of her curiously, urging her to continue.

"I kept all my promises to Ben. But there is another side to him now, a darker side; a side that I betrayed and hurt _because_ I kept my promise to Ben. I believe that Kylo Ren is better at keeping a promise than Ben ever was. It's impossible for me to know who I will be confronted with when the time comes and he does find me."

"You know both sides of my son better than anyone, Cara. I have a feeling that I can talk to him all I like, but the only one that will really get through to him, is you."

"How am I supposed to prepare for a confrontation like that?"

"You don't, Cara. You can't prepare for any battle, not really. You cannot fully prepare for every eventuality when you attack an enemy base. When you see my son again? When I see my son again? There is nothing in this world that will prepare us for that moment. You know what you do then?"

Cara shook her head, no. She was listening intently to every word the General said, completely understanding how she had come to rise to power and the trust she instilled in her followers.

"You use your creativity. You use that wonderful imagination of yours that my son told me so much about. You use the lessons you've learned in stories and histories and all the things that you know about him, and you use that to your advantage. You use that to get through to him. You've tried it once before. You will try it next time, too. Use that anger inside of you. Use it to fuel your imagination. Use it to push through his barriers and your own."

Leia's words reminded her of another memory, a time from years ago, when she and Ben had been sitting in this very same spot. A memory that made her remember how much he had inherited from his mother, even if he looked so very much like his father.

* * *

" _I don't know how you remember all of those names and dates, Ben. It's impossible!"_

" _No, it's not. You just have to let yourself remember them. You need to tell yourself that this information is not useless."_

" _I never said I thought it was useless."_

" _If you thought otherwise, you would have remembered all of these dates by now."_

 _They were sitting on the floor of their favourite storage room, books and journals strewn all around them as Ben quizzed her relentlessly on the important dates of important battles. She was genuinely interested in what had happened back then, but she wanted to hear it from Ben. She wanted to see how his eyes lit up whenever he spoke of the past and she wanted to see his excited hand gestures whenever he was trying to describe a battle strategy to her._

" _Just tell me, and I'll listen."_

" _Why would I do that?"_

" _Because I like listening to you, Ben. Listening to your voice is much more interesting than having to read it in these journals."_

 _Ben scoffed at her, annoyed at her unwillingness to participate in his love for history. He began stacking up the books around him, trying to show the infuriating girl in front of him that he was not going to waste any more time on this unless she showed him that she was truly interested. That she really wanted to learn._

" _What are you doing?" Cara asked, clearly confused as to his sudden change in demeanour._

" _I'm going back to my room."_

" _Because I said I want to listen to you? How could you possibly take that as an insult?"_

" _What I took as an insult was your refusal to be at all interested in the things I care about."_

 _Cara stood up, exasperated at her friend's behaviour._

" _When have I ever not shown any interest in the things you like? When have I ever refused to go on a scavenger hunt with you, or an exploration of the base?"_

" _That's not the same thing." Ben said, rather annoyed at her clever comeback._

 _Cara looked quite proud of herself, already knowing that she would win this argument but not wanting him to leave her in his usual huff of irritation either. Suddenly, she came up with an idea, knocking the journals and books he had already stacked up back onto the floor as she pulled at his arm harshly so that he would sit back down again._

" _What are you doing?" He asked, rather surprised at his sudden lack of footing._

" _I have an idea on how to make this more fun for both of us."_

 _He did not respond, and she took that as her cue to continue._

" _How about you tell me the vital details about each battle, and I'll make up the story that goes along with it? That way, it may even be easier for both of us to remember."_

 _He nodded, and picked up the journal he had been reading from a few minutes before. She took in all the details he would give her, her mind already working furiously to concoct a story around these instances from the past, hoping that he would enjoy listening to her as much as she enjoyed listening to him._

 _Her gaze suddenly snapped back in focus as he slammed the journal on his lap closed and look at her pointedly as though he was waiting for her to begin; but before she could even utter a single word, he said one more thing before she could commence her tale._

" _Your imagination has always shocked me, you know. I can always see it in your eyes when you're furiously working on a new story to tell me. I don't know how you do it, but it's incredible. I think that will come in handy one day. One day, it will probably be even more useful than all my knowledge of battle strategies and combat practice combined."_

 _She beamed at him, proud to take his compliment and happy that he thought of her in such a positive light. As she finally began her story, she could see his smile widen at the full scope of her imagination, and she revelled in the light that shone in his eyes even in the dim glow of the storage room._

* * *

Cara stood silently, wondering what else she could possibly say to this kind woman who had always treated her as one of her own and gave her words of comfort even now. Even after all she had done.

"Listen to me, Cara. If anyone is to blame for what happened to Ben; it might have been me, and it might have been – it might have been Han. But there is a puppet master behind the curtain somewhere. He's the man we should blame. And if it takes an eternity for you to truly believe me when I say that you should not blame yourself, then that is how long I will keep repeating it to you."

With those words, Leia finally left, allowing Cara a moment to release a breath, suddenly realising that her fingers were still clutching that old pair of goggles - the ones that she had tricked Ben into wearing once. It made her remember how she had laughed at how ridiculous he looked and had blushed at the curls that had escaped from under the confines of the strap all at the same time.

* * *

A/N: The time has come for the sequel! I can't promise that it will be as long as its predecessor, but I realized that I wasn't fully done with these characters yet and I want to explore the consequences of what happened in my previous story. I've finished my thesis, been accepted into a creative writing Master's program in London - life is good, and I wanted to share my ideas with all the readers I had before and hopefully any other readers I will gain along the way. Let me know what you think, always curious to hear your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2

Cara's days on D'Qar had become routine once more. She helped out in the infirmary, checking on Finn every so often to see how his injuries were healing. Rey was by his side as much as she was allowed to be – Cara could tell that their friendship ran deep, and being there to witness the growth of such a strong relationship was both humbling and saddening at the same time. She and Rey had become quite the comrades themselves, often joking with one another in the hallways of the base, both knowing the other needed some form of comfort after the ordeal they had each been put through. However, as much as Cara enjoyed the company of the fierce young scavenger, she often sought solitude in her and Ben's little storage room. She had not dared enter his own room yet. She was not sure if she was strong enough.

She had been sleeping soundly in her old room, though. Her soft matrass was as comfortable as she remembered and she appreciated the lively view she could see outside her bedroom window. Pilots and technicians were working day and night to make sure that all X-Wings and other equipment were in working order, weapons were being tested, and battle strategies were being laid out. She had pushed the reason for their working so hard to the back of her mind – she did not need another reminder of the predicament they all found themselves in.

Her favourite way to pass the time was to read through the many medical textbooks that lined her shelves, which often made her realize just how much of her medical knowledge had gone to waste back on Jakku. Such a limited amount of supplies on that desolate planet had made her almost useless. Her many attempts at alleviating somebody's pain or discomfort had often been in vain; and as she re-studied all the theories she had learned throughout her training she began to realize how little impact she must have had on those people's lives. There was nothing to be done for them there. The thought saddened her and made her will to study harder all the more powerful. She wanted to be able to help people in the future. She wanted to feel useful again.

The guilt of leaving Kylo Ren weighed heavily on her conscience, more so than Cara ever could have imagined. She had thought that she was helping Ben, she had thought that she was getting through to Kylo by showing him a side of himself that he had never dared explore before. There were brief periods of time where she thought he had believed in that side of himself, too. The moment he kissed her, the moment he begged her to stay. Those were the moments that she replayed over and over in her mind, hoping, somehow, that the feelings of guilt building up inside of her would not only atone for what she had done to him, but diminish the anger she felt brewing within her as well.

Cara surprised even herself when she found her mind wandering towards Kylo more often than it did towards Ben. Perhaps it had something to do with being able to feel Ben's presence so clearly throughout the entirety of the base. The corridors they had wandered together, the people that lived there that had known them when they were little. Ben's presence was everywhere, and she had convinced herself that Kylo Ren was on her mind more often because of this; but there was a small voice in the back of her mind, sounding exactly like the whispers she had heard in her nightmares, telling her that _she_ was becoming the traitor. What would happen if she was unwilling to find Ben within Kylo Ren anymore, because her heart and soul had realized that Kylo had tethered himself to her in ways she could never have even imagined?

Leia had already told Cara numerous times that she was welcome to enter Ben's room whenever she wanted to. The thought was inviting yet terrifying at the same time. According to his mother, everything was just as he had left it. Just as he had left it after he had kissed her for the first time and before he had abandoned her without saying goodbye. If she dared walk inside, it would be like entering another time, a remnant of the past that had been preserved so well she would almost be able to forget what had happened over the course of the past few months. Cara had often wondered what kind of hidden secrets Ben had kept safe in his room; the treasures he had found that he had not wanted to part with and the thoughts he had had that he could not even bare to share with Cara. There were times when she thought her curiosity would make her burst, the same way it often had when she was younger, and she had frequently come close to opening the heavy door that blocked his room from her sights before she berated herself and ran in the opposite direction once more.

After a long day in the medical bay, Cara had decided to forego dinner and try to study some more in her room. Gruelling days working as a medical officer left her feeling depleted and queasy, her feelings of guilt flittering around in her stomach as she looked at all the men and women who had willingly gone into battle to fight an enemy that she should have worked harder to stop. Grabbing the thickest volume off of her shelf, she slowly lowered herself down onto her bed, the last remaining scraps of energy she thought she had ebbing out of her body as she was finally able to let her muscles relax.

Her eyelids started feeling heavy as she finished the first chapter of the enormous book she held in her hands, and they only regained focus when she flipped over to the next page and saw a small piece of paper wedged into the binding. Thinking she had once left it there as a bookmark during her previous studies, she thought little of it as she tried to tear it out of the book so that she could continue her reading. The paper had been in there for so long though, it seemed, and it was easier for Cara to rip it in half than it was to remove it from between the pages. Just as she was about to crumple it within her fist and let it flutter to the ground, she noticed the faint markings of old ink criss-crossing across the white background. Becoming rather intrigued, she carefully peeled the other half of the note out of her book before placing the pieces next to each other on the floor in front of her. Without even realizing it, the corner of her mouth twitched upward, the faintest of smiles forcing its way onto her tired features.

* * *

" _How come you never told me your last name was 'Nova' before?" Ben practically exclaimed, seemingly exasperated._

" _You never asked." Cara replied simply, drumming a pattern on her bare leg with her fingertips as Ben paced the dusty ground in front of her._

" _Well, you should have."_

" _What does it matter?"_

 _Becoming bored of the pattern she was making, she decided to pick at the sand in front of her instead, attempting but failing to count the grains she could hold in her hand before the wind blew them off of her palm. Ben was barely paying attention to anything she was saying anyway. She had learned quickly that there were moments when he became so wrapped up in his own ideas and his own cleverness that it was best to just let those moments pass and regain his interest when the time came._

" _It matters! Of course it matters. You know my last name, Cara."_

" _My last name doesn't carry any meaning to anyone else in the galaxy, Ben. Yours does."_

" _Don't remind me." He said, rather darkly, suddenly grinding to a halt to tower over her small form sitting in the sand pit._

" _Sorry."_

 _He was silent for a moment, trying to recapture his train of thought from before. She continued counting the grains of sand, an activity she had found would soothe her whenever she did the same with the stars in the sky. Counting helped pass the time._

" _You know what a nova is, don't you?" Ben asked of her, but she was so intent on counting the precise amount of sand in her hand that she barely noticed he had posed her a question._

" _Cara? Are you listening to me?"_

 _Finally, she looked up, closing her fingers around the small heap of sand she held in her palm before the wind could blow it away again._

" _Remember 57."_

" _57? Okay." Ben said, not even questioning her strange request. He knew that she was prone to counting, and he knew that it calmed her. He had counted stars along with her sometimes when her nightmares had woken her, and though he did not see the appeal as much as she did, he could never bring himself to disapprove of her methods._

" _So did you hear what I asked?"_

" _No." Cara replied, looking at him rather sheepishly now that her attention was tuned into his voice again._

" _I asked if you knew what a nova is."_

 _She smiled at him, careful not to move her hand too much for fear of the sand escaping again. "My mother once told me it's a type of star."_

" _Yes, exactly! It's a star that shines brighter than almost anything else in the galaxy. It would have been faint at one point, but then all of a sudden, you can see it from miles away, and everything else dims in comparison."_

" _I like the sound of that. It sounds like something I'd like to see." Cara said, her smile widening in reaction to his enthusiasm._

" _So maybe we should go find one." Ben stated, as though it was a simple task._

" _What are you talking about?" Cara asked, looking at her friend inquisitively._

" _Well, we talk about our big adventure all the time, Cara. We talk about all the planets we want to visit and the systems we want to explore. But we need an end point, don't we? We need to know when it's time to go home. I say we go home when we have succeeded in finding a nova. I say we go home when we find the thing that inspired your last name."_

" _As much as I like the idea Ben, I don't think it's all that simple."_

" _Well then I guess you'll just have to trust me."_

" _Trust you to do what?" Cara asked, still slightly confused._

" _Trust me when I say that I will find you a star worthy of your last name, Cara Nova. I promise I will find you one."_

 _She said nothing for a while, allowing herself to enjoy the company of her closest friend and her imaginings of their future together. For a moment, she become so caught up in the idea, she almost forgot about the sand she still held in the palm of her hand. She could feel it sticking to her skin, the sweat beads that had formed beneath her fingers dampening the sand, only making it harder for her to continue her counting._

" _What number was I at?"_

" _57, Cara. You were at 57."_

* * *

She looked down at the two crumpled pieces of paper in front of her, remembering how he had drawn her his most impressive imagining of a nova he could for her to hang up on her wall. She had preferred to use it as a bookmark however, enjoying the reminder of their adventurous plans whenever she became jealous of the historic accounts she would read about in his text books.

Her small smile faded as her mind once again processed the difference in time, the difference in how she and Ben had been back then and the way she and Kylo Ren were now. The sudden memory had made her forget about her feeling of guilt for a while, had made her forget about the anger inside of her, but it was coming back now, more ferociously than it had before.

He had made her many promises in the past. _I'll never abandon you, Cara. Let's promise to never lie to each other. I promise I will find you a star worthy of your last name. I swear on my life I will find you again._

She wondered which of those promises he would keep from this point forward. She wondered which of the two sides at war within him would be the one to keep those promises.

* * *

A/N: Another chapter! I would just like to give you a warning that the updating of this story won't be completely regular, but I promise that I will keep trying to update as quick as I can. Glad to see that some of my old readers have come back, and I'm always happy to read your reviews! Don't hestitate to let me know your thoughts, it's always much appreciated :)


	3. Chapter 3

She had been thinking about his scar.

There were a few to choose from. There was the scar that he had on his upper-back, when they had been sparring as teenagers and a shard of glass had embedded itself into his skin. There was even the scar from Chewie's bow caster shot, right on his abdomen, the wound that he had repeatedly hit to be able to channel as much of his anger as he could while he fought with his enemies, while she had tried to reason with him, and made the decision to leave him. Those were not the scars she had been thinking about however. She had been thinking about the scar on his face, the scar that was the product of Rey's protective and powerful arc of Luke's old lightsaber. She had been thinking about how it would affect his features, how it would bring out the anger in his eyes, and harden the soft lines of his lips. She wanted to see it. She wanted to see him.

These thoughts had surfaced as she was helping to clean Finn's wounds once more. She could see the lasting damage to his dark skin that would be suffered from Kylo's petulant attacks, and as much as she may resent her former friend and his dual identity for causing such harm to her new friend, she could not help but wonder where he was right now. What he was doing. How, and if, he was coping without her.

"How is he doing?" A small voice came from behind her, making Cara snap out of her thoughts. She turned around to look up at Rey, noticing the tired look in the young scavenger's eyes, immediately making her regret her nostalgic thoughts about Kylo. He was the one who had done this to all of them. When had she given him such power over her?

"He's still stable. His wound is looking better though. I have every faith that he will wake up soon, Rey. Don't give up on him."

"I'd never give up on him."

Cara smiled slightly, motioning for Rey to come sit beside her. She had seen Rey keeping Finn company often, holding his hand and talking to him, and Cara did not want to deny her the opportunity now. Rey complied, pulling up a stool and immediately putting a hand around his arm in an attempt to comfort both herself and him.

"Do you think he can hear me?" Rey asked, looking at Cara with expectant eyes. Her gaze never left her new comrade, always hopeful, always searching.

"I like to think so."

The pair said nothing for a while, Cara resuming her gentle cleaning of his wound, Rey moving her hand down to grab his in a loving gesture. Neither of them had any idea how much time had passed before Rey spoke again.

"Who was he to you?"

"Who, Finn? He was the only Stormtrooper that ever treated me like a human being. He actually brought me food that tasted decent and smelled good. He came back for me when he was going to escape. I owe him a lot."

Rey smiled, unknowingly tightening her grip around Finn's fingers. "I owe him a lot too, but I wasn't actually talking about Finn."

Cara averted her gaze from Rey's questioning one, suddenly realizing where this conversation was headed.

"Look, Cara, I don't want to pry, but it would be nice to understand. I want to understand. I want to understand why he means so much to you. I want to understand how Han and Leia remember him. Maybe even… maybe even how Luke remembers him, I don't know. Anything."

"Why do you want to understand?" Cara asked, and she could feel herself getting defensive, even though she knew there was no real reason to become angry with Rey. Rey was only trying to understand. Cara was only trying to make it worse.

"Because he is important to you. He was – he was important to Han. He's important to Leia. And you have all become important to me."

Cara could feel small tears welling up in her eyes. She hated herself for becoming so angry. It was a simple enough question. It was simple enough to answer. So why could she feel herself becoming strangely jealous at Rey's inquisitive glance?

"I know I promised not to pry. And I had hoped that our time here together would allow you to feel that you could trust me, somehow – that you would want to tell me yourself. I know that the two of you grew up together. I also know that there is more to it than that. If you still truly do not want to tell me, I'll get up and leave right now. Just, please, Cara. Understanding will help." Rey said, a pleading tone taking over her voice. Deep down, Cara knew that Rey had as much right to know as anyone who Kylo Ren really was, who he once had been. She had fought against him, she had beaten him. Perhaps she could beat him again, when the time came. Perhaps what Cara could tell her would help. But there was still that conflict within her, that churning sea of emotion that now ruled almost every decision she made. There was that part of her that wanted to protect Kylo Ren as much as she had once wanted to protect Ben, as much as she had once wanted to protect her oldest and frankly, only, friend.

She stopped cleaning Finn's wound, carefully placing the cloth she had used back in the bowl next to her, trying to keep her hands from trembling.

"Are you alright?" Rey asked, worried that she had offended the young medic just now.

Cara sighed, slumping down in her seat a little, her fingers fidgeting in her lap. "Yes – yes, I'm okay. I just… I think it would be hard for me to make anyone understand. Hard for me to make you understand."

"You can always try." Rey smiled encouragingly. Cara took a deep breath, bracing herself.

"He was – he was my first real friend. He was my only friend, really. Before he became Kylo, before he left to go train with his uncle, Ben was my only friend. I trusted him more than I thought I could ever trust anyone. After my parents died he was there for me. When I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life he was there for me. Whenever I felt bored, or curious, or tired, or scared, he was there for me. He was enough. He was always enough." Cara said, the words tumbling out of her mouth so quickly she could hardly stop herself.

"And now?" Rey asked, rather quietly, worried that she would scare Cara out of continuing to confide in her.

"And now…. now I still want him to be that for me. I still want to be that for him. I wanted to bring him back. I wanted to help him. I wanted to repay everything he had ever done for me. Everything he is still doing for me! But I was too late, or too weak."

"Weak is not a word I would ever use to describe you, Cara. Finn told me what you did for him, and for Poe Dameron. I know what you did for me when I was trying to get us out of there. I know that you were strong enough to leave him even though I could literally see on your face how much it hurt you to do so. You are not weak, Cara. At all."

Rey's words shocked Cara for a moment, almost echoing Kylo Ren's sentiments that he would never associate her with being desperate, a sentiment that she had almost taken to heart too many times to count. She was silent for a few minutes, desperately trying to allow Rey's words to sink in, to allow herself to believe them as much as the young scavenger in front of her seemed to believe them.

"Ben showed me a lightning storm once."

"What?" Rey asked, turning her gaze back to her newest friend.

"He showed me a lightning storm once. I don't think I had ever felt closer to anyone than I did to him in that moment. He was so vulnerable. I thought if I angered him into revealing himself to me once more, that I would be able to get through to him. That I would be able to bring Ben back to who he once used to be."

"Do you really think you didn't succeed?"

"He killed his own father, Rey! How am I supposed to believe that I got through to him?"

"I was not talking about getting through to Ben. I was talking about getting through to the man who so desperately wants to be like Darth Vader." Rey said, a small hint of a sneer evident in her tone of voice.

"He swore to find you. He needs you more than you think." The young scavenger continued.

"I'm not as brave as you seem to think I am, Rey."

"And you are a lot more naive than I thought you were if you think that's true, Cara."

Cara finally stood up, finding it hard to understand and deal with Rey's words in such close proximity to her. It made it harder for her to deny them, and it made it harder for her to ignore the angry clench in her gut whenever the girl now across the room from her brought up another argument.

"I heard what you said to him,' Rey continued, seemingly unstoppable now, 'I heard you say that you were going to channel your anger into something productive instead of something destructive. Do that now. Channel whatever it is you're feeling towards me and use that to admit to yourself what it is you truly want. I never admitted those things to myself. I never admitted to myself that I was only staying on Jakku because I had some insane idea that my family would come back for me, even after more than a decade had passed. The fact that I gave up on waiting for them on Jakku does not mean that I gave up on being reunited with them somewhere, somehow. You can still do the same. Tell me what it is you want."

"I want him to find me." Cara said, her voice so low she almost hoped that Rey had not heard what she had said.

"So allow him to find you." Rey replied, rather surprisingly.

"And then what?"

"And then you use your anger towards something productive." Rey said, as though it was the most obvious solution in the world.

Cara almost smiled. It was refreshing, hearing Rey's honesty, and finally hearing what it was she really needed to hear. Finally admitting to herself what she really needed to happen.

"What are you going to do?"

"I have to go find someone myself." Rey replied, and Cara instantly knew whom it was she was talking about.

"Good luck,' Cara said, moving towards Rey once more, clasping the girls rough hands between her own, 'may the force be with you."

"May it be with you as well, Cara."

With those final words, Rey left the medical wing, leaving Cara to tend to some of her other patients, contemplating what her next move should be.

* * *

" _Look at me, Cara."_

 _She could not; she would not. There was nothing that would stop him from tearing down the walls she had built around herself if she allowed herself one glance at the face she knew so well._

" _Look at me, Cara." He repeated, and she could feel herself starting to sway towards him, her body pulling itself towards his._

" _You can trust me, Cara. Look at me."_

" _Kylo, please. Just leave me alone."_

" _Whoever said that you are talking to Kylo Ren?" His voice changed, the inflection became softer, and she could hear him. She could hear Ben._

" _You did."_

" _Perhaps I lied."_

" _You once promised me you would never lie to me."_

 _She could hear the soft slide of sand moving beneath his feet as he walked closer towards her. She turned her back on him fully, trying to withstand him. Trying to withstand the power he had over her._

" _Promises can be hard to keep."_

* * *

Cara woke with a start, breathing deeply, and she could feel a small bead of sweat making its way down her temple and her cheek as she tried to calm herself. She had been dreaming, dreaming about something she wished had been so real, so truly, and utterly real.

She would allow him to keep his promise without putting others in harms way. She knew what she needed to do, and she knew where she needed to go.

* * *

A/N: Another chapter! Sorry it took a bit longer, but I've been in the UK for a couple of days now and didn't have access to a computer. Hope you enjoyed, and as always, I love hearing your thoughts. I will try to have a new chapter up as soon as I can! x


	4. Chapter 4

" _What do you think I should do?" Ben asked, looking at Cara with curious eyes._

" _Excuse me?" Cara said, hardly believing his words._

" _What do you think I should do?" Ben asked again, a mischievous grin on his face._

" _I think – I don't know. What do you want to do?" She asked, completely startled by his sudden want for her opinion._

" _That's not the question I asked."_

 _Cara slid down against the door of his room, confusion evident on her face as she tried to devise the best possible answer. He hardly ever asked for her opinion anymore, and she was not about to give him a reason to never ask for it again. "I think you should go talk to them."_

" _And I think you already know that that is not the answer I was looking for."_

 _Cara looked at him pointedly, already tired of playing his little game. Most of the time, he knew exactly how to manipulate her into saying the exact words he wanted to hear. She was having none of it today, though. She was willing to stand up to him if it meant that he would respect her more._

" _If you don't want to respect my opinion than you should not have asked for it." Her words and her tone were harsh, harsher than she had intended. But she knew it was what he needed to hear. When they had been younger, about six or seven, he had always wanted to hear what she had to say. He would also really listen. A few years had passed, and suddenly, it was like her voice did not matter as much. As much as she enjoyed his company, as much as she enjoyed reading, studying and playing with him, there was nothing that bothered her more than him making her feel as though she was inferior to him._

" _Is that what you think? That I don't respect your opinion?"_

" _Yes." Cara said, trying to make him understand._

 _He was silent as he came to sit down next to her. Not amused, she ignored his gaze, even when she could almost feel it burning on the side of her head._

" _If that's what you think, than I am sorry."_

 _She stood up, becoming annoyed at him once more._

" _That's not what I think, Ben. That's just how it is."_

" _What do you mean?" He asked, and she could her a genuine inquisitiveness in his voice, the same tone he used whenever he was asking himself about the history of an object, or questioning the meaning behind one of her stories._

" _You used to value my opinion. You used to ask me what I thought had happened during great battles or what I thought about your fighting techniques. And now? You barely even ask me to tell you stories anymore. You know how I felt whenever you asked me to tell you a story? I felt useful, Ben! I felt like you wanted to hear my ideas. Do you realize that this is the first time in months that you've asked for my opinion? And you immediately shoot it down because you've already made up your mind."_

" _I'm sorry." He said, still sitting down. He looked oddly vulnerable in that position, and she could almost feel herself forgiving him immediately, before she remembered why she was so irritated with him in the first place._

" _Are you really?"_

" _If you're angry with me, than yes."_

" _You already know that I don't become angry with people, Ben."_

" _Well now, that's just not true. You've become angry with me plenty of times." He said, countering her argument._

" _I've been disappointed with you, Ben. That's not the same thing."_

 _He was silent for another minute, but he looked even more vulnerable than before. She could see his eyes soften, his defiance slipping away as her words sunk in._

" _Disappointment is worse than anger." He said, quietly._

" _I know."_

 _She sighed, sitting back down next to him, a shiver running up her spine as the cold metal of his door collided with her back once more. He noticed, running a hand up and down her arm in an attempt to warm her. She smiled slightly, appreciating the gesture, even though it was doing nothing to help heat her up._

" _So you really think I should talk to my parents about what I heard?"_

" _If it made you feel angry, than yes." She said, almost mimicking his words from before._

 _He chuckled lightly, making her smile grow even more._

" _Do you think you can forgive them?" She asked, curious to know his answer._

" _I think there's always a reason to forgive someone, if you look hard enough._

* * *

"You're looking for a pilot?" Poe asked, an amused smile playing upon his handsome features. Cara looked at him sheepishly, unable to form the words to explain why exactly she needed one now.

"I need a pilot."

"Care to tell me where we're going?"

Cara hesitated for a moment, knowing that if Finn had been there, the exasperated look on his face would have been enough to make her break out into a smile. Rey had told her of his intolerance for Jakku; Rey had also told her that his disdain for the wasted planet was one of the many reasons she finally decided she did not need to return. Cara wished that there were more compelling reasons for her not to return, but she knew that he would find her there. She also knew that she could at least try and ease her conscience by aiding whatever villagers there were left for her to aid. She would bring numerous medical supplies, hoping beyond hope that she would be able to help people there better than she was able to when she had resided there the first time.

That was what she told herself, anyway. She hoped she would be able to concentrate.

"Jakku – I need to go to Jakku."

"Jakku, huh? Now what kind of business could you possibly have there?" Poe questioned, his smirk becoming more pronounced.

"Nothing that concerns you."

"Alright, if you say so. Just say the word and I'll whisk you away." Poe smiled at Cara again, turning his back on her as he made his way out of the medical bay. She had asked him to meet her there as she performed one final check on Finn, wanting to have seen his improved condition with her own two eyes before she left. She felt guilty about leaving him there, on his own, but she had also made Poe promise to look after him while she and Rey were both away. Rey would be back soon, Cara was sure of it. She just was not sure when she would be back herself.

"Wait, Poe?' he turned around as he heard his name, an expectant look on his face as he waited for her to continue, 'thanks. For the lift, I mean." She smiled at him, trying to show him her gratitude with a playful grin of her own.

"No need to thank me, Cara. I still owe you one." With those final words he left, leaving her alone with Finn once more. The other patients in the med-bay had finally been checked out – other pilots that had sustained bone fractures and other wounds during the air raid against Starkiller Base had been properly taken care of and had been released. Her work there was done; Finn would most likely wake up soon and be reunited with Rey when she returned from her trip to locate Luke.

"I'll see you soon, Finn. I believe that." Cara whispered, echoing a promise she had heard from Rey the day they had all returned to D'Qar.

"Where are you planning on going?" Cara jumped as she heard Leia's voice come up behind her.

Cara smiled softly at Finn one more time before making her way over to Leia on the opposite side of the room. She proceeded to take her gloves off and wash her hands, a simple ritual that would give her the time to find the words she needed to say to the General.

"Cara, anything you would like to tell me?"

The young medic sighed, somehow having dared hope that she would make it off of D'Qar without Leia even realizing. Cara knew that Leia still believed in her son, but she also knew that what Leia felt was naïve. It was naïve of her to think that Ben would ever fully come back to them. Cara knew this; he had proven it to her time and time again. Kylo Ren was a part of the man they once knew now, and as much as she missed Ben, the combination of the two was more than she ever knew she needed. He was a part of her now. She hoped she was a part of him, too.

"Are you angry with me?" Cara replied, already knowing that Leia knew exactly where she was going.

"Am I angry with you for wanting to help my son? Of course not. Am I angry with you for not confiding in me that this was your plan all along? A little, perhaps,' Leia smiled softly at her, 'I just hope you know what it is you're getting yourself into."

"I don't think anyone could every really know what they are getting themselves into when it comes to – when it comes to him."

"I think you might be right about that." Leia replied, still smiling.

"Are you okay with this?"

"Listen, Cara, dear – at this point, all I want is for all the people I care about, all the people out there in the galaxy, to be safe, and to be happy. You might be safe here, but you won't be happy. Having this hanging over your head is no way to live. Trust me, I know."

Cara smiled, a smile so genuine that the corners of her eyes even crinkled in response. She had nearly forgotten how loving and caring Leia could be, how much she had helped her when she was still younger. The woman in front her had been through so much in her life – being separated from her brother for years, losing her home planet, the troublesome nature of her son and the loss of her husband. Even through all of that, Leia remained as capable and nurturing as ever. Cara could only hope to emulate her some day; but she often worried that the anger that Kylo had unlocked within her would hold her back from being who it was she truly wanted to become.

Instinctively, Cara threw her arms around the older woman, clutching Leia with strength she did not even know she possessed. The General hugged her back instantly, both of them finding comfort in the others presence for as long as they could have it.

"Do you miss him?" Cara whispered, her voice muffled by the other woman's thick hair.

"Yes. Every day." Leia said, equally as quietly. Cara knew she was referring to both of them. She missed Ben just as much as she missed Han. Cara could feel an angry guilt coiling around her chest once more; angry with herself that she had failed the woman she was holding right now and angry with Ben and Kylo for putting her in a position that had awakened this guilt.

Cara pulled away from Leia, albeit reluctantly, looking the woman dead in the eye before she made one last promise. She hoped she would be able to keep it.

"I'll bring him back, I promise. I just – I want you to know that I do not forgive him. For what he did – for what he did to Han. I just…."

"You need him."

"Yes. I do." Cara said, and she could almost feel a weight being lifted off her shoulders as she finally admitted out loud that she did need him, more than she would have ever dared allow herself to. She needed him because she needed a friend. She needed him because he knew her like no one else did. She needed him because of the life he represented, the life that seemed so far away from her now. She needed him to kill the anger inside of her, to eliminate the guilt.

"Then go find him." Leia said, looking the younger woman dead in the eye.

It was time for Cara to face the consequence of her kept promise to Ben Solo. It was time for Cara to face the wrath of Kylo Ren. It was time for her to see him again.

* * *

A/N: Hi everyone! I know that this story is kind of a slow burn so far, but it just doesn't feel right to me to have them immediately be reunited - but don't worry, Kylo and Cara will be together again soon! I was thinking about doing a few chapters in this one from Kylo/Ben's POV in this story, what do you guys think? As always, thanks for reading, and thanks for any reviews you guys leave. New chapter ASAP!


	5. Chapter 5

The metal of his door felt cool under the palm of her hand. It was Ben's door. It was the door she had been too afraid to open since the moment she had arrived back on D'Qar a few weeks ago. It was the only door that she still needed to pass through. She was already remembering so many memories of her being on this side of the door, memories of her trying to get through to him. She was worried that she would be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of memories she would be bombarded with once she was inside. Her fingers were actually trembling.

She placed her hand on the door handle, checking the corridors once more in her paranoia that someone was watching her on the verge of a breakdown. Cara wanted to be alone for this. She needed to be alone for this. She may have had Leia, and Rey, even Poe, and Finn would wake up soon – but as much as she may have trusted them, this was not a side of her they needed to see.

She took a deep breath to steady herself, pushing open the door and stepping into his room carefully. Cara had not even realized that she'd closed her eyes before entering until she had to force herself to open them once more. Leia had not been lying, the room looked exactly the same.

His books were still lining the shelves, stacked upon his desk, and strewn across the floor. She picked one of them up gingerly, turning it over in her hands, wiping the dust off with her fingers so lightly that she could see the exact pattern on the cover of the book. It was one of his favourite historical accounts, and she smiled as she remembered him reading it. It smelled slightly musty in the room, the scent of abandonment and old paper hanging heavily in the air, and suddenly she had this strong longing never to leave and just stay there until he came back to her. Until he made his own decisions and remembered where he came from. Whom he had left behind.

She had only come in there to grab some books to read for her time back on Jakku. She had told herself there was no reason to get emotional while walking in here, even though she knew it was futile to try and trick herself. It was Ben's room, how could she not feel the nostalgia and the sadness that was now threatening to overwhelm her? How could she stop herself from mourning for a past that she had been so content with?

She sat herself down on the floor, cross-legged, the same way she used to sit there whenever they were keeping each other company. She looked across the carpet, clearly seeing the patch slightly worn away in front of his window where he had done most of his pacing. Pacing whenever he was angry with his parents, pacing whenever he was disappointed in himself. Where the rest of the carpet was a rich dark blue, it was underneath the windows that it had become threadbare and worn. Cara had the sudden urge to cover it with the books from his shelves. His pacing, his relentless pacing, was just another sign that she should have noticed. A sign that was pointing her to all the directions she never wanted to admit that Ben could go. It was one of the signs that should have told her about the coming of Kylo Ren.

Kylo. She wondered if he would come looking for her the way that she hoped he would. She hoped that he missed her in some way. She knew she missed him, even if there was a small part of her that wished she did not. Knew she should not.

* * *

" _Hey, Ben? Can I ask you something?" Cara questioned, making him look up from his book._

" _Sure." He replied, sounding distant, distracted. He always sounded that way when he was reading. Cara should have known better than to ask him something while he was studying, but now she had started, she could not bring herself to stop._

" _Well?" He asked, finally looking away from his page to gaze at her expectantly._

" _Do you think we would still be friends if we met now?" Cara asked, rather quietly._

" _What are you talking about?"_

" _I just – I was curious. I know that we both enjoy reading, and stories. But other than that? What do we really even have in common?"_

" _Where is this coming from, Cara?"_

" _I don't know."_

" _You don't know?"_

 _Ben sat up, swinging his legs over the bed, leaning forwards and folding his hands together. His gaze was intense and focused, and Cara almost squirmed under the sheer force of it._

" _You don't know why you asked me if we would still be friends if we met now?"_

" _Yes."_

 _A small black curl fell into his eye, and Cara was grateful for the break in his stare. She could feel her hands begin to fidget, and her nerves begin to tingle. She should never have initiated this conversation in the first place, but there was hardly a way back now._

" _I want to know what you think." Ben said._

 _She finally met his eyes, and seeing the kindness in them, the fondness for her, made her cheeks flare up in embarrassment. How could she even question his loyalty, his friendship? He had never left her side once; no matter how many times he may have threatened to in a state of rage, no matter how many times he had tried to shut her out, he always came back to her. Who else on this base did he have to turn to? No one. There was no one who understood him like she did._

" _I like to think so." She said, pausing for a reaction from him before she continued._

" _How so?"_

" _I think we would both need someone to confide in of our own age. I know I would, considering the fact that my parents are – are gone. I think I would have seen you reading one of your books somewhere in the corridor and I would have asked you about it, and you would tell me, rather annoyed because I had interrupted your reading, that it was a history of one of the Resistance's most important battles. And then I would become irritated with you, because you were being rude to me. And I think I would leave you there to read all by yourself. But then maybe, I'd see you in the corridor every day, with your legs folded under you, head bent over another book – and seeing you like this every day would come to feel familiar, and stable. And then one day, you would let me sit next to you, and you would let me read the pages along with you, and that was that. It would never really change." Cara said._

" _I think it may have gone a little differently." Ben said, sliding down from his bed to the floor to sit across from her._

" _How so?" Cara asked, echoing his earlier question._

" _I don't think you'd leave me there to sit by myself because you were annoyed at my rudeness. I think you would purposely sit yourself down next to me and ask me all kinds of questions about the book I was reading just to teach me a lesson. And then I would begrudgingly tell you, and then when I saw how your eyes would light up with imagination I would ask you if you found history as exciting as I do. You would answer no, and I would be disappointed; but then you would explain how history had always served as an inspiration for your own tales and imaginings, and I would try to hide the fact that I would want to hear one of your stories. I couldn't very well then show you just how interested I was in your imagination, could I? You had just interrupted my reading." Ben said, smiling softly at her._

 _Cara reciprocated his smile. "That sounds nice."_

 _They sat in silence for a while, Cara fidgeting with her hands while Ben sat stoically across from her. There was something else that needed to be said, but neither one could find the words._

" _I think it was better this way, though." Ben finally stated, trying to catch her gaze again._

" _You do?"_

" _I like to think I know you better than I know myself. I like to think that you know me better than you know yourself as well."_

" _Meaning?"_

" _How many times do people truly find that in their lives? Once, maybe twice? Some people have to wait half their lives to find someone they can be completely themselves with. I'm glad I found it eight years ago, aren't you?"_

" _Yes, I am."_

 _Again, a silence overcame them, but it was a comfortable silence – it was a silence between two people who knew that sometimes saying nothing was better than saying anything. Cara's hands stopped fidgeting, her cheeks lost their warmth, and she knew that he was right. They would have found each other, either way. Eight years ago, two years from now, what did it matter? Sometimes people were destined to discover each other, one way or another._

 _She lay down on the carpeted floor of his room, a feeling of weightlessness overcoming her as some of the anxiety seemed to finally evaporate within her. She thought Ben would lay down next to her, but he stood up suddenly, as though searching for something. Cara closed her eyes, not even having the energy to follow his movements anymore. He trampled around the room, becoming quite frantic in his movements, and Cara could not help but wonder why._

" _Ben, what are you looking for?"_

" _A book."_

" _Anything specific?"_

" _Yes, one for you! I found it ages ago, and I completely forgot to give it to you."_

 _Cara's eyes were still closed; she was weirdly enjoying the sounds he was making around the room, trying to memorize them as being uniquely his own. The shuffling of his feet, the swish of his wide sleeves against the soft cotton of his tunic, the way he huffed when he still had not found his object of treasure yet. She smiled softly to herself, happy to just be in his company._

" _Do you remember that book I lent you the very first time my father took me out on the Millennium Falcon?"_

" _Of course I remember, it's my favourite."_

" _Well, I found a journal from one of the women of those battles! I found it down in the basements, in that third storage room we found, remember? I wanted to give it to you for your birthday but now – well now I've already ruined the surprise and I might as well give it to you now."_

 _This made Cara's eyes snap open, as she forced herself to sit upright once more._

" _That's amazing! Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"_

" _I don't know if you were listening just now Cara, but I wanted to surprise you."_

" _Right, right. Sorry." She replied sheepishly, embarrassed that her curiosity had made her forego her gratitude._

 _He searched a while longer, becoming ever more frustrated. Finally, he started pacing once more, right in front of the window, his favourite place to think and his favourite place to vent his frustrations. He was doing the latter now, irritated with himself that he had misplaced the book._

" _I hid it, because I didn't want you to find it. I don't know where I hid it! This is ridiculous. I have to be able to find it."_

" _It's okay, Ben. You'll find it some other time. And when you do, I shall thank you profusely for it and read it immediately."_

 _Her words calmed him down somewhat, but she could see that he was still agitated with himself. She needed to change the subject, get his mind off of this book, this gift that he wanted to give her._

" _What if one of us changes?"_

" _What?" He asked, obviously still lost in his own thoughts._

" _Well, what if one of us changes? People change, over the course of time. Are we still friends then, if one of us changes?"_

 _He did not answer for a while, and Cara was worried that he would not forgive himself for losing her present any time soon. She stood up from her spot on the floor, coming to stand next to him at the window, hoping her presence would comfort him somehow. She would not leave him because he had lost a present. She would only ever leave him if he asked it of her. Her proximity seemed to startle him in to answering, a small smiling tugging at the corner of his lips as he continued to stare out at the landscape on the opposite side of the glass._

" _People do change, Cara. But I don't think anyone fundamentally changes. People make decisions, these decisions may change them. I think at the core though, your essence, that what makes a person who they are? Sometimes they just need a reminder."_

" _I think we would be able to remind each other."_

" _I think so too." He said, still not having averted his gaze from the view outside._

* * *

Cara stood in front of the window, looking at the landscape she knew so well yet now seemed so distant and unforgiving. She held the book in her hand, the one Ben had so frantically searched for all those years ago. She gripped its edges so tight the tips of her fingers turned white, and she dared not look away from the view for fear of tears spilling out of her eyes once more. The landscape stretched miles further, all lush greens and bright yellows – and she could almost see herself and Ben running through those fields, a long time ago, when all he had wanted to show her was a thunderstorm. Those were the memories she had clung on to, the memories that had given her hope when she was in a situation of despair, the memories that had served as her basis for her decision to trust and love Kylo Ren. A person's essence does not change, Ben had once said. Perhaps that was true. Perhaps it was not. There was only one way to know for sure.

* * *

A/N: I am so, so, so sorry that this chapter took so long to upload. However, I can now officially say that I am a university graduate! Meaning that I now TRULY have summer vacation and absolutely nothing left to stress about. I promise I will be better with updating this story from now on. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I always love hearing what you think. Next chapter will probably be in Kylo's POV!


	6. Chapter 6

Kylo Ren's POV

* * *

He could sense her. Not in the way that would tell him that she was near, not in any way that should affect him so deeply, but he could sense her. He could hear her voice in the back of his mind, and he remembered the warmth he felt radiating off of her whenever she came near him. He could almost imagine the light touch of her fingers as they slid down the curve of his cheek, following the path of his scar. The scar that vaguely burned whenever he thought of her, whenever he became angry. Smiling, however, was not the problem. Neither was smirking, nor surprise. The only emotions that now truly plagued him were anger, sadness and guilt. His face only contorted into sneers now, pulling at the ends of the fresh deformity on his face.

Sometimes he saw the chasm between them, and he would see her face as she stood several paces away from him, the darkness between them only growing. He would see the disappointed look in her eyes, and he imagined it would only become more hate-filled and resentful the longer he was away from her. She would have more time to realise her mistakes, to realise that she should never have come to trust him again, and that would be the end of it. He would never see her again.

There were other times when he was glad to be rid of her, glad to have that nuisance that was Cara out of sight, and out of mind. He was focusing on his training, becoming more powerful as the days went by, and he hoped Snoke could sense it. He hoped Hux would see it and become even more fearful of him. People should be fearful of him. He was Kylo Ren, after all. The man who had killed Han Solo, the man who was destined to bring an end to the Resistance. He was all of that, and more – but in spite all of this, all of this which he knew to be, he missed her. Kylo Ren missed Cara Nova, and there was nothing he could do to distract himself from that fact.

He could concoct reasons as to why he missed her, however. He could pretend that there was some kind of logic to it, and he could try to tell himself that there was nothing holding him back. He reasoned that he missed the fact that he was able to make her miserable, that he missed the scared look in her eyes. That he missed having power over someone so vulnerable, so gullible. These were the things he told himself whenever he would go to see Snoke, or General Hux. He could not let them see the weakness that was threatening to consume him. He needed them to think he was still worthy of his task, his fate, his destiny.

He thought all of this, and then some, during the few moments he would have to himself in his small chamber. He would sit in his chair, his helmet on the table next to him, twirling his cross-guard lightsaber in his hands as he awaited his next order, his next mission. Today was no different. He could feel the cool metal of his weapon between his fingers as his usual leather gloves lay forgotten on his bed. His lightsaber felt familiar, a calming presence in his hand, allowing him to forget his failure to claim that which was undoubtedly his birth right that fateful night on Starkiller base. The weapon that had belonged to Luke Skywalker, and his father before him. The man who had inspired him to become what he was today – Darth Vader, Kylo's grandfather.

Vader's mask had been lost in the destruction of the First Order's weaponized planet, a loss that had troubled Kylo greatly. The presence of Vader's mask had brought him a great deal of comfort and guidance whenever he had needed it. The call to the light, or whatever it was that Cara had released in him once more – it was something that his grandfather would have understood. The family he came from, the people he left behind. Darth Vader would have understood, and he would have known how to overcome it. Kylo needed to overcome his weakness. There was a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him that his weakness, his feelings for her, the bond they shared, would eventually devour him, until there was nothing left of the man whom he had worked so hard to become. In his place would be the shell of the man he had been before, when he had known her, when she had fully and utterly trusted him. When he had been Ben Solo. It was a future he had convinced himself he did not want. He had chosen his path, and now he needed to walk it.

Kylo Ren was not a man who sighed often, and yet he did so as soon as he heard the voice of a lowly Stormtrooper outside his door. The sigh that left him was laced with venom, an anger at being disturbed when he had made it quite clear he did not want to be disturbed, and an annoyance at once again being summoned by the likes of a mere foot soldier.

"General Hux ordered me to inform you that Supreme Leader Snoke would like a word." The muffled voice said through the door, as Kylo slowly yet steadily rose from his seat. "As soon as possible, he said."

Kylo said nothing in reply, instead taking the time to pull his leather gloves on one finger at a time. He watched as his bruised and pale skin disappeared beneath the thick black fabric of the gloves, remembering how Cara had looked at his bare fingers, how she had reacted to his touch the first time he had dared to forego the gloves in her presence. His face remained impassive as he remembered her flinch, the tremble of her skin beneath his fingertips, but he could feel his pulse rise with a certain degree of hostility as he recalled her wide eyes at his delicate touch. The Stormtrooper knocked on the door once more, a little more urgently this time, nerves evident throughout his actions. Kylo sneered, practically slamming his helmet over his head, and used the Force to open the door, surprising the soldier outside who stumbled at the sudden loss of something to lean against. Kylo stood completely still, eyeing the hunched over figure of the trooper in front of him, trying to control the angered outburst that was threatening to spill from his lips. The Supreme Leader did not need to hear about another aggravated flare-up, another petulant tantrum. Kylo could risk no doubt from the Supreme Leader, not when he was so close to becoming everything he had always needed to be.

"The next time you see General Hux, you can inform him that he can come summon me himself."

* * *

"Supreme Leader, we must act quickly. The Resistance is undoubtedly building up their forces again while we sit here and wait. We should strike them while they are unprepared."

The Supreme Leader sat in his chair, highly elevated over his two subjects. His scarred and distorted face frowned slightly at the pale General in front of him, angry at being interrupted again.

"I assure you, General, the time will come for us to attack. Our forces, your forces, will be strong once more. That is when we will assault them."

"Supreme Leader, if you will just listen to me-" Hux began, but was cut off by Snoke before he could finish his sentence.

"General, the right time will come for us to strike. Until such time, you will prepare your troops for the oncoming battle."

Hux looked at Snoke as though he was expecting more; more direct orders, a better explanation. Instead, Snoke stared at him menacingly, and a faint nervous twitch became evident on Hux's grim features. Kylo could almost feel himself smirk under his mask, but caught himself just in time. At the moment, he was faring no better than Hux, and he needed the Supreme Leader on his side.

"Anything to add, Master Ren?" Hux asked suddenly, rather aggravated.

"Nothing that the Supreme Leader hasn't already said to you, no." Kylo said, both because he was in agreement with what Snoke had said and because he wanted to get a rise out of Hux. While Kylo had to commend him on being an excellent strategist and leader, the two clashed often. Hux saw Kylo as either a threat to his position or as nothing more than a weapon. Kylo had no interest in becoming the leader of the First Order. He wanted to become something more.

It was silent in the chamber as Snoke surveyed the two men stood in front of him. Kylo was able to meet the Supreme Leader's gaze from under his helmet. Snoke may not be able to see him, but Kylo knew he did not need to take off his mask for his leader to know what he was thinking. Hux on the other hand could hardly stand still, waiting for Snoke to make the next move or give him another order. He was an impatient man that one, and while Kylo Ren certainly shared that trait, they went about showing it in a very different way.

"Have you sensed her?" Snoke spoke suddenly, his darkly rich voice echoing across the room. Kylo realized that the Supreme Leader was now addressing him directly, and looked towards Hux once more only to see the red-haired man in practical agony before answering.

"No. Not since she escaped the base. The longer we cannot find her, the more her power will grow. She is strong with the Force, if untrained. She will have a handle on her strength soon enough."

Snoke regarded him for a moment before responding. "Take off your mask, Kylo Ren."

Hux stilled beside him, and Kylo's head snapped up towards the pedestal on which his leader sat.

"Supreme Leader?" He asked, suddenly slightly unsure of himself. There was a trembling in his voice he wished had not been there; but he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he could not ignore. He knew where this conversation was headed.

"Take off your mask, Master of the Knights of Ren."

Slowly, Kylo lifted both of his hands to the sides of his head, a sudden flash of Cara reaching out to touch his mask with her fingertips flashing in front of his mind's eye. He squeezed his eyes shut, anything to get her out of his mind before facing both Hux and Snoke at his most vulnerable. Finally, he applied pressure to the sides of his helmet, and it clicked, and then it hissed, and he was able to lift the helmet off of his head. His hair was matted to his forehead, and his scar still slightly burned as he bowed his head down a little. He could not let Hux see him in such an exposed manner.

"You are telling me about the wrong girl."

From the corner of his eye, Kylo could see Hux turn his body to face him. This angered him, one hand clenching into a fist while the other gripped his mask as tightly as he could.

"She is of no consequence to us now, Supreme Leader."

"I think you are lying to me, Kylo Ren."

It was as though a lightsaber had stabbed him through the chest – he could feel the breath being knocked out of him, unable to control his memories any longer as he remembered Cara saying almost the same words to him just after he had taken her prisoner. Before she had begun to trust him, to have faith in him. Kylo knew what was happening. He knew that the Supreme Leader was trying to gage his reaction, his affection for her. His weakness for her. What angered him more than anything was that General Hux was there, the anxious tenseness having all but disappeared from his sharp shoulders as he watched Kylo take the brunt of the attack now, of Snoke's disappointment.

"Supreme Leader, she does not matter to me. Not now, not ever. I wish to become the true Master of the Knights of Ren, to realize my full power. I wish to have you teach me. It is of no importance. She is of no importance."

"But she was important to you in the past. She was important to you only a mere few weeks ago, Master Ren. She is important to you now."

Kylo could feel himself shake, his uncontrollable anger worming its way back to the surface for Hux's prying eyes and Snoke's calculating stare to see. He could not let them manipulate him this way. Not when it came to her. Not when it came to his vulnerability, his ultimate flaw. He gripped the hilt of his lightsaber with his hand that had previously been a fist – the cool metal calmed him down, tethered him to reality. He could not lose control now.

"Supreme Leader, she is – she is not important. Not then, not now, not in the future. I only wish to learn your ways. Teach me, show me the true power of the Dark Side. I need to know more. I need to see more, understand more."

Hux had clearly noticed Kylo's discomfort, a small smirk playing on his sharp features. Kylo could feel his breathing becoming more laboured, it taking everything within him to control himself and his temper. He could sense Snoke staring at him, waiting for him to burst. He had had enough of this game. He had had enough of them using her against him.

"Find the girl." Snoke finally said, and both Kylo's and Hux's head snapped upwards to regard him with confusion evident in their eyes. "Find the girl, and bring her here."

"Supreme Leader, do you truly think that is wise –" Hux began, but his thought was once more cut short by his superior.

"Master Ren, find the girl. Bring her here. General Hux will search for and take care of the other one. Your training will not be complete unless you face your prevalent weakness. Until you do what is necessary."

"Han Solo is already dead." Kylo said, trying to find the courage to say no to Snoke. The Supreme Leader leaned forward, and Kylo forced himself to look into the mangled face of his superior, of his mentor. He could not openly showcase the darkest depths of himself now.

"Han Solo is not your prime weakness, it would seem."

* * *

A/N: Well here it is, my first chapter in Kylo's POV! It would really help me to hear some feedback on this, if you think I got him right, if you have any other suggestions. As always, I'm happy to hear any other thoughts you may have on the story as well. Cara and Kylo will be reunited soon, I promise! Thanks for reading :)


	7. Chapter 7

Kylo Ren's POV

* * *

He had yelled at every single one of his followers, at all the Stormtroopers that had been ordered to go with him to Jakku. Snoke had told him that she was there. He could hardly believe that she would have returned to such a wretched planet, a place he knew she had hated. She had never said it outright, of course – but he could feel it within her. All the times he had probed her mind had led to one simple conclusion: she would have done anything to forget about him. The first time Ben Solo left her, abandoned her, as she would have preferred to call it, she had done everything to forget him; even lived on one of the most atrocious planets in the galaxy. The knowledge that she was there once again worried him more than he cared to admit. What if she had wreaked havoc with her memory again? What if she had tried to rebuild the barricades she had put up around her mind? What would be the point of him tracking her down, only to be disappointed when she did not look at him the way he wanted her to?

These infuriating thoughts circled his mind as he flew his hijacked Tie Fighter through the galaxy. He had foregone his usual ship, opting for privacy and stealth instead. He knew that if any of the soldiers or officers of the First Order had gone with him to Jakku there was the danger of a single moment ruining his entire reputation. The reputation he had worked so hard to cultivate, and to grow – as a menacing leader of the Knights of Ren, as a highly powerful user of the Force. One moment, one shared memory, one touch of her hand could ruin everything he had worked so hard to achieve.

Kylo needed to understand why the Supreme Leader had ordered him to retrieve Cara. Why not just order him to kill her on the spot? Who would be able to save her on Jakku, a planet filled with thieves, beggars and slaves? It was a dangerous order, of that there was no doubt. Yet Kylo knew that Snoke never did or said anything without reason. It was this mysterious reason that worried Kylo the most. Temptation around Cara was too great – temptation to find the Light once more, and forego the Dark Side. Snoke knew this better than any other. The Supreme Leader's voice, while a calming memory from his childhood, was becoming more and more menacing by the second. Snoke knew Kylo better than anyone – better than his own mother ever did, better even, than Cara. Cara knew him as Ben, and she knew a part of him as Kylo Ren; but she had not witnessed the shift, the change in his demeanor, and that was where the true secret to his mind lay. Not in his actions of the present, but in his actions of the past. In the one decision he had made to betray his entire family and everything he had ever known to become who he was always meant to be.

He could feel himself gripping the controls of the small ship tightly as the ugly planet came into view. Jakku, a place he despised, a place he knew most people despised, was not a place he had ever dreamed necessary to visit again. Even Ben and Cara had never made plans to go there together – it was lonely, and desolate, and the young adventurer he had once been had never imagined a need to go there. Now he was heading straight for it, for this dust covered scrap planet, on his way to locate Cara and bring her back to base with him. They would find themselves in the same position before she had escaped from him – no, not escaped – before she had abandoned him and everything they could have been, together. He would hold power over her, not the other way around. He could not let that happen a second time.

As soon as he entered the atmosphere, dust and sand swirled around the ship, making it that much harder to find a place to land. He had navigated towards the small village he had found her in the first time – an assumption easily made by the fact that this was not a planet you wanted to get lost on, or feel lonely on. She would have known people there, before he and his followers had raided the pathetic settlement. If, somehow, he had not managed to kill or capture them all, that is where she would have gone.

He landed the Tie Fighter just under a sand dune, out of sight of whatever life forms may be creeping around within the desert. His affinity with the Force made it easier for him to pinpoint his location, made it easier to navigate. He did not want her to know of his coming, he did not want to give her a chance to flee from him. Not because he would not be able to catch her – of course he would – but because he did not want to see her run from him a second time. He was not sure how he would react, what another realization of her abandonment would do to him. How it would affect his weakness or his state of mind.

He climbed up the wall of sand, surprisingly light footed and graceful on a terrain so hard to traverse. The sand slid down the hill all around him, creating a soft whooshing noise, piercing the otherwise completely silent environment. There were no trees, no animals, there was no wind; only stifling air and blistering heat. The more time Kylo spent on this planet, the more he grew to hate it. There was only one way to make sure that he could find Cara as soon as possible. He needed to know whether or not she was indeed in that village.

Back at the new base, after he had noticed how much she had plagued his mind, his dreams, his nightmares, he had turned off all senses towards her. He had shut down a part of his mind he never would have thought would need to be shut down. The part of him that kept him tethered to an alternate reality he was still not sure he wanted. A reality that Cara was a part of. Thoughts of her had distracted him from training, had made it harder for him to stay on higher ground opposite General Hux. It had made it harder for him to block his feelings from Supreme Leader Snoke. Sensing her presence, feeling her around him had only made things harder. So he had shut off the part of his mind that controlled his ability to sense when someone close to him was near. It was the only way all other thoughts he had of her had become bearable. Now he needed to turn it on again.

He took a deep breath, steadying himself. He gripped the familiar hilt of his lightsaber and closed his eyes, forcing himself to break down the barricade that he had put up around his own mind. He could feel the feeble walls crumbling under the weight of the Force, his need to feel her presence around him growing at an alarmingly fast rate. His breath was quickening, his pulse was rising, and suddenly it was as though he could truly only sense her. The heat became nothing to him, the dust had settled around him. He knew immediately where she was. His feet had a mind of their own, and as they began to march across the fields of sand in front of him, there was no turning back. He had to see her.

It took a while for him to reach the village. The little that had been there in the first place had been destroyed or harmed in the First Order's raid. Small tents and huts had been newly built in the shape of a circle, a desperate attempt to recreate some of the structure that had been there before his Stormtroopers had invaded these fragile homes. He stood on the outer edge, hidden behind one of the huts, but his eyes had no trouble finding her. He would have recognized her anywhere.

She was hunched over in front of one of the huts, a small child helping her in organizing some supplies. From afar, he could tell that she had brought medical tools and books – a lowly attempt at trying to help these beggars as best she could. It was something that another may have admired in her, but to Kylo Ren, it was just another stab in the back. Had she seriously left him, abandoned him, because of some ill-tempered feeling of guilt she carried around? Did she truly care more for these villagers than she did for him?

He watched her closely as she cleaned the instruments she had taken with her. The child seemed to be thanking her, grabbing her hands and smiling at Cara as though she was their savior. In a way, he supposed she would be – who else would help these people? Who else would even care?

His need to be closer to her almost threatened to overwhelm him. He was furious with himself for becoming so weak around her. He briefly wondered if somehow, she could sense him too. Perhaps their connection, whatever affection she had left for him, or for Ben Solo, was enough for her to know when he was near, when he was watching her. A sick and twisted part of him wanted her to know – wanted her to feel that he was near, only so that he could then leave her the same way she had done to him. The way Ben Solo had abandoned her had been nothing compared to the way she had left him. There were two sides within him at war; the side that desperately wanted to see her, to feel her shiver beneath even his most gentle touch, and the side that maliciously wanted her to feel desperate and alone, craving the power he held over her. He did not know which side he wanted to win.

He stood there, watching, until night fell and her fellow villagers had retreated back into the bare shelter their huts afforded them. Sand and dust still floated everywhere, and he had noticed that it irritated Cara's eyes, and scratched at her skin. He had been watching her long enough to know that she was deeply uncomfortable here – the small smiles she afforded the people she was trying to help did nothing to mask her pain and sorrow at seeing them so helpless, and feeling so horribly outmatched herself. He knew that her medical training was the best one could get, but nobody was smart enough to outwit the elements of Jakku. He watched as she tried to slap the dust out of her clothes and her bags. She laid out a rag on the sand, sitting within the circle of huts, her back turned to him. A small flash of annoyance graced his features as he was no longer able to read her facial expressions, and he knew the time had come to make himself known to her. To take her back to where she belonged – with him – and to meet her fate at the hands of Supreme Leader Snoke.

He slowly walked towards her, his senses overloaded. He had felt much the same way the night he had confronted Han Solo in the Oscillator Bay. It was a feeling of knowing he was doing whatever was necessary in order to complete his transition, to become that which Snoke wanted him to be. It was not a feeling he would ever have thought he would feel again, but here she was, not a few feet away from him, and everything in his body felt as though it was on fire. Just like it had before he had killed the pilot of the Millennium Falcon. Just as it had when he had killed his fellow Padawans whilst training with Luke. His body and mind knew what was about to happen. Another step was being taken in the direction of the Dark side.

He stopped a few paces behind her, as quietly as he could. He knew the pale light of the moon would cast his shadow over her, and if she was as sharp as he knew her to be, she would notice it immediately. It surprised him then, when she said nothing for a few moments, total silence engulfing the both of them. She sat completely still, and he would have thought she had not sensed his presence had it not been for the complete rigidity of her spine and the tenseness in her shoulder. He decided to let her make the first move, say the first words. After what she had done to him, she did not deserve his open arms.

Slow minutes ticked by, and neither one of them said anything. Finally, he saw her shoulders relax, and her head slump down. If he had not noticed her hands digging into the sand on either side of her, he would have thought she had fallen asleep right then and there; but then she spoke, and the sound of her voice was almost too much, his senses overloading and heating up once more.

"You found me. I knew you would find me."

* * *

A/N: I apologize for this chapter taking so long. Honestly, it was hard for me to know where I wanted to take this story, and I needed some time to become inspired once more. I still hope you enjoyed it though! As always, let me know what you thought. The next chapter will be in Cara's POV, following the same day as in this chapter. I sincerely hope to have that one uploaded sooner than I did this one. Thanks for reading! x


	8. Chapter 8

Cara's POV - Same Day

* * *

It was another scorching hot day. It seemed to Cara as though the planet had only become drier and drearier in her absence; the days seemed longer, the sun staying up as long as it possibly could if only to taunt the inhabitants of Jakku. She was back, but she wasn't home. Jakku had never truly been a home.

It was, however, home to a lot of other people. People that needed her help, and that was why she was here. She hoped she could help them find some comfort, she hoped she could help them find some peace. Of course, being able to aid these people she had once thought of as neighbours was not the only reason she was here. She just hoped she was not putting any of them in danger with her ulterior motive.

If there was any place in the galaxy that she knew he would be able to find her, it would be here. Somehow, she knew. It was not a feeling that the Force was giving her, nor was it even a feeling of intuition. She just knew; she knew because she knew him.

He would assume that she was punishing herself for abandoning him. What better place to pursue a life of punishment than the most hellish planet in the galaxy? This would not be Ben Solo's way of thinking, of course. This manner of thinking was all Kylo Ren. She remembered the crazed look in his eyes as he screamed at her that he would find her. She wanted him to find her. But she was not yet sure of what state she wanted him to find her in. She thought back to the way she had felt as she told him that she was leaving. She was worried that she had never fully explained herself to him. Did he even remember the promise that Ben Solo had asked of her? Cara was not sure of how much of his former self he had blocked from his mind. Perhaps he had put up similar barricades to the ones she had asked to be put around her own memories. It was not a crazy assumption – Cara was very similar to both Kylo and Ben. Perhaps even in more ways than she would want to be.

She was torn in two, and more so than ever the war within her was raging. Perhaps this was because she had been away from him for so many weeks now – who was to say the kind of effect he could have on her? She did not know if he was able to curb the guilt and anger that she felt, or if he made it worse, but Cara was willing to find out.

Today seemed particularly excruciating. One of the village elders had become ill just before Cara had arrived, and it had quickly progressed into something much worse. His family was worried for him, of course. His granddaughter kept a wary eye on him, constantly offering to help Cara in whatever way she could. The young girl was sweet, sometimes a stark reminder of who Cara used to be herself. The young girl was energetic and enthusiastic, and never let her worry for her grandfather cloud her thirst for knowledge. The girl was an uplifting presence in an otherwise lacklustre portion of Cara's life.

The elder's illness had morphed into a high fever, and Cara was using all of her knowledge to try and keep him cool. The lack of a cold water supply did not help – but there were a few tricks she had learnt throughout her medical training that might provide some relief. She had stayed in the tent with him for the largest part of the day. The stuffy air was getting to her, however. Her head felt heavy and the thoughts that swarmed around her mind every waking hour somehow seemed to become denser. Thoughts of Kylo swam through her head as she monitored the sick man's temperature – she wondered mostly how long it would take the Master of the Knights of Ren to find her. She wondered if he would have his lightsaber with him, and if he would come with a swarm of Stormtroopers and raid the village as he had already done to other settlements around the planet so many times before. She wondered about the sheer amount of effort he would use to locate her – he was as strong with the Force as any she had ever heard of before, perhaps even stronger. How long would he let her stew in her own misery before he finally made himself known?

Mostly, however, she wondered how she would react to the sight of his scar. A harsh line right down the centre of his face, perhaps having mangled his features for the rest of his life. Cara often questioned whether or not it would be easier to spot the two sides of Kylo Ren on his face now, whether split features would betray Ben Solo still trying to wield some kind of grip on his mental capacities or not. In any case, it would be hard to be confronted with. Every time she remembered the dark red gash across his face, it seemed almost black in her memory, and she could see the blood slowly ooze out of it as though she was seeing it right in front of her eyes once more. It was one of those memories that just would not leave her in peace. Cara had many memories like those – small details and colours that would seem insignificant to others but could mean the world to her. This new wound of his was one of them, but also the specific shape of a fork of lightning, the droplets of blood that had dripped out around the shard of glass that had been embedded into his back while they had been sparring. The faded brown colour of the spine of his favourite book or the faded patch of carpet in his bedroom back on D'Qar. Those memories, more than anything, were the ones that would not let her be.

The sun was finally starting to set, and Cara hoped that it would afford some much needed cool air. She started cleaning her supplies, the young girl coming back out of the tent once more to help her protect her equipment. Again, Cara was grateful for the company – the presence of someone else alongside of her offered her the relief from thoughts of Kylo that she so desperately needed.

"Thank you, for helping him." The young girl said, her light brown eyes growing wide as she looked up at Cara. Cara had already been offered enough gratitude from this girl's family and all the other families in the settlement to last her a lifetime. It burdened Cara's shoulders. There was nothing that she could do for any of these people that would truly help them in the long run, and yet they were so grateful, so happy that she was there to help. It was yet another load of guilt that Cara would have to carry with her. If she could take all these people with her to D'Qar, she would have.

"You're welcome, Lula. And thank you, for helping me organize my equipment. Now go back inside and be with your family, the sun will be setting soon." Lula quickly squeezed Cara's hands before flashing her a toothy grin and skipping back into the hut in which her grandfather was currently resting. Sand pricked at Cara's eyes, and as she desperately tried to wipe it away she also tried to ward off thoughts of how much she would have liked to share the beautiful sunset with someone she loved. If there was one positive thing that could be said for Jakku, it was that its sunsets were an unforgettable sight. Another colourful detail of a memory that Cara would never forget.

The sunset passed quickly though, and soon the pale light of the moon had risen over the fields of sand. She took up her usual spot in the middle of the circle of huts, laying down a rag to sit on so that she could contemplate what she would need to do for the villagers first thing in the morning. When she had first returned to the settlement, the remaining occupants had gladly built her a small tent just small enough to fit between two of the larger huts. It was safer that way, being a part of the circle, than it would have been to build her own tent just outside the ring of shelters. She had accepted their hospitality gratefully, thankful that they still remembered her and thankful that they did not resent her for leaving. Not that she had had much choice in the matter- Kylo Ren had essentially kidnapped her, after all. That did not stop Cara from feeling guilty for being away from these people in their time of greatest need.

She sat down on the rag, looking at each of the huts surrounding her. Making a mental list, she reminded herself of all that needed doing the following day. Lula's grandfather would need some more cooling cloths, unless his fever had broken in the night. The wife in the hut next door to his would need her gauze changed and wound cleaned out. Hopefully the splint that Cara had built for the young boy in the hut on Cara's left will have considerably helped the bones in setting in the right place again. He had twisted his ankle as he was trying to run away from the Stormtroopers that fateful night. The night she had been unknowingly reunited with Ben.

Making this list had been her routine since the day she had arrived back on Jakku. It kept her sane, and it kept her organized. Yet somehow, something was different about this evening. It seemed quieter, more so than usual – as though the dust usually sweeping around had settled down somewhat and no longer scratched against the outer walls of the village. It gave Cara a strange feeling, as though another presence had arrived here tonight. Who or what it was, she could not say.

She sat there for a while longer, and just as she was beginning to tell herself that she needed to retire to her tent and attempt to get some much needed rest, a slow shadow formed over her, coming from behind and stretching right towards the house she was facing. Her shoulders tensed, instantly recognizing the shadow. It resembled his lengthy arms, his straight posture, his broad shoulders and his strong torso. She could make out the shape of his hair, crowning around his head in a dark halo, and she recognized the shape of his lightsaber against his hip. The sharp lines of the weapon's shadow did nothing to ease her nerves, and as the tension in her shoulders became almost unbearable she finally let her shoulders droop and her head hang forward. This was the moment she had been waiting for, but now that it was here – now that he was here, she did not know how to compose herself.

She dug her hands into the sand next to her, hoping that her silence would trigger him to say the first words. The sand still felt almost scalding against the skin of her palm and the tips of her finger, and she sucked in a deep breath.

"You found me. I knew you would find me."

She did not turn around, and his shadow did not move either. She was waiting to hear his voice. The voice that pierced through so many memories, some tinted with despair, others tinted with hope. That deep voice that had calmed her so many times throughout her childhood and had caused her skin to crawl on just as many occasions. The voice that only Ben Solo had had. The voice that Kylo Ren now shared with him.

"You knew I would come." He finally spoke, and it was as though her entire body reacted to the sound – every nerve ending tingled and every hair stood on end. He was there, behind her, and all she needed to do was turn around to see the damage that had been done to him. The damage done by Rey, by The First Order's collapse, but most of all, by Cara herself – for leaving him there, amidst the destruction of a weaponised planet that had, in a way, been his home.

"You told me you would."

"I promised I would."

* * *

A/N: Another update! I hope you all enjoy reading this and I am so grateful to anyone reading or reviewing this sequel. If there is anything you would like to see happen in this story, or if you would like me to write more in Kylo's POV or Cara's POV, or more flashbacks, please let me know. I'm writing this story for you just as much as I am for myself! I'll try and update soon!


	9. Chapter 9

Kylo Ren's POV

* * *

"Thank you for keeping your promise."

Kylo Ren did not say another word, instead waiting for Cara to turn around and face him. He wanted to be able to watch her face, and look out for any of the signs that she was nervous around him, or unsettled. He would not give her the satisfaction of walking around to face her. His shadow still loomed over her, an eerie presence between them, and there was a slight glimmer of hope within him that she was scared. Fear was something he knew how to control, how to manipulate. Gratitude was not.

"It took you longer to get here than I thought it would." She said, continuing the conversation as though she was talking to herself. He did not even let his weight shift to his other foot. Any movement of his shadow would be enough to once again give her some sort of power of him. He was not going to let that happen. He was in control. He had to be.

He stood there silently, watching the way her fingers continued to dig into the sand on either side of her small frame. She looked smaller than he remembered, frailer – and he instantly knew that this wretched planet had done this to her. It awoke inside of him a need to drag her over to his Tie Fighter immediately. He would take her back to base, they would resume their training. She would be as strong as he knew her to be. As she was when she abandoned him.

"I'd apologize for dragging you all the way out here but I think you already know why I chose this particular planet. I just need you to promise me that you will not hurt any of these people. You are here for me, not them. They do not deserve any more violence and punishment."

He could feel his fingers twitching at his side, an almost uncontrollable urge overwhelming him to turn her entire body around to face him. He kept still though, his entire body tingling with a need to see her, to touch her. This was his punishment. This is what Snoke had in mind for him. It was his punishment for being pulled towards the Light, for not completing his training sooner. Snoke knew what this would do to him, what it would be like for him to see her, here of all places. Snoke always knew.

"Your silence does not intimidate me, Kylo."

Hearing his name falling from her lips made his entire back tense immediately – he could see his own shadow move, becoming lengthier as his back straightened of its own accord. Presumably, Cara noticed too. Her fingers stopped clawing their way into the never ending pit of sand she was sitting on, and she tilted her head to the side. He thought perhaps she was trying to catch a glimpse of him from the corner of her eye. That she needed to steel herself to see him as much as he needed to prepare himself to see her. A glimpse at a time, until she was facing him fully and would be able to see the scar. The scar that would hopefully break her.

"I've suffered worse treatment from you." Cara said, still continuing the conversation as though he was not even there. He wanted to hear what she had to say. For once, around her, he wanted to have all the information first. His temper, his penchant for angered flare-ups had often resulted in his loss of control. If he knew what she was thinking, he would know what to say in response. He would know how to keep the balance between them.

"I heard about the destruction of the Hosnian system. The obliteration of Hosnian Prime. The Resistance told me it happened right before you captured Rey. I truly hope that decision was not made by you, Kylo. But your frequent absences while you had me…keep you company? They did not do wonders for your alibi."

Kylo's fingers curled into fists at his sides, desperately trying to keep himself from saying anything he would regret at a later time.

"Will you not speak to me, Kylo? Will you not try to defend yourself?"

Somehow, it seemed, Cara was trying to bait him. She knew him better than he thought she did, apparently. She was trying to understand his current state of mind, how he felt towards her. She was smart. Smarter than he seemed to give her credit for.

"I know that your mother used to tell you stories of how she felt when her own planet was destroyed by the Empire. The loneliness and the heartache. I find it hard to believe that you would have associated yourself with such a treacherous plan." She said, continuing to fish for any kind of reaction from him. She tilted her heard further to the side, even twisting her back towards him a little more. He estimated that she would now be able to see the outline of his cheek, the thick strands of his hair. Soon, she would be able to see his full face. The further she turned towards him, the more he hoped that she was relenting some of her own self-control. He could not be the only one between the two of them feeling a gravitational pull towards the other.

"Have you envisioned it?" Kylo finally spoke, relishing in the quick reflex reaction that Cara had to the sound of his voice. It was only the third time he had spoken since his shadow had announced his presence to her.

"Envisioned what?" She asked, the movement of her body turning towards him disturbing the sand around her.

"The scar. The scar that has deformed the face of one you used to love and trust."

"Drop the act, Kylo. You cannot try and convince me that Ben Solo is lost forever. That you killed him, somehow. I know you haven't. Don't treat me as if you think I am inferior to you in some way."

Kylo was silent, raging on the inside in reaction to her accusation that Ben Solo was still a part of him in some way, and angry with himself for even feeling in the slightest bit guilty about her feeling as though he does not respect her. If there is one thing he has for her, it is respect. Of the highest order. She may be ruled by her emotions, clouded by feelings she had in the past that have no business influencing her decisions in the present – but she was strong, and resilient, and in terms of wit, she could match him perfectly.

"Accusations such as those are beneath you." He responded, willing himself to keep from saying anything more. He wanted her to turn around, to finally be faced with those ghostly grey eyes that he had been seeing every time that he closed his own since the moment she had left him. Since the moment General Hux and his men had come to rescue him from the destruction of Starkiller Base. Since the moment he had woken up and once more been hit with the realization that she was well and truly gone. Yet here she was, sitting before him, refusing to be the first to slip up, to let her emotions cloud her pragmatic and stoic act of defiance towards him.

"And your prolonged silence was not?"

In that moment, all he wanted was to answer her question. He wanted to rebuke her, to tell her that her words meant nothing to him. He wanted to tell her that his prolonged silence had merely occurred because he had nothing to say to her, to convince himself that it was not because she left him at a loss for words. At a loss for control, and power.

"I envisioned your scar many times." Cara said, in sudden answer to his previous question. The jarring change in subject had him shaking his head, trying to rid his mind of his weak thoughts and desires.

"How so?"

"I imagined that it would split your face in two. That I would finally get to see both the Light and the Dark side of you, at the same time. I assumed that I would see utter disgust on one side of your face, and hope on the other. I presumed that I would finally be able to see a clear physical presence of the war within you, just as clearly as I feel it within me. And yet, here you are – you've tracked me to the outer reaches of the galaxy to a planet I know you despise, a planet that I despise just as well. And somehow, even though I did not see you, I know you've been watching me this entire day. You've been watching me care for these people you think have no true purpose in the galaxy, in the universe. You've been watching me care for them while you think I should have been there to care for you."

Kylo Ren said nothing. He did not want her to know how utterly truthful her words were, how utterly they once more proved just how well she really did know him.

"You wanted me to punish myself, did you not?' Cara continued, with more purpose, 'You wanted me to punish myself for leaving you. Is Jakku punishment enough for you, Kylo? Do you think this tarnished planet has brought me enough despair?"

He kept quiet, but he could hear an angered tremble in her words, as though all she truly wanted to do was scream at him, so that she would be sure that he heard her every word. Cara's anger was still a thing to behold – the way she held it in with so much force, putting herself under such pressure. Kylo knew that she was sure to burst at any moment, her forceful words threatening to wake up the sleeping villagers she was trying to keep from harm. He wanted to see it, he wanted her anger to manifest itself – not only so that he would be able to see what she had become since they had been reunited, but so that he could feel less ashamed about how he felt on the inside himself.

Suddenly, one of the tent flaps opened, the sound almost deafening in the quiet desert once Cara's words had stopped coming. They both snapped their heads towards the noise, Kylo feeling extremely agitated that it had not come from behind him, but rather from in front of her. If only it had come from behind him, she would have been forced to finally face him, to see the damage that had been done to him in the wake of her absence.

A young girl stepped out of the tent, obviously having heard the words exchanged between both Cara and Kylo. The young girl, who Kylo remembered to be called Lula, looked at Cara expectantly. He imagined that she was rather frightened by the sight – Cara now looking so much frailer, being towered over by a man with a weapon hilted next to his hip. He could envision Cara's encouraging smile towards the young girl – it was a smile that he had come across in many of the memories he had unearthed when he had first brought her to Starkiller base, and one that Ben Solo remembered just as well.

"Lula, dear. Go back to sleep. It's alright – I know this man. He's come to – he's come to take me home."

With those words, Cara finally stood up, slowly turning towards Kylo, as though she was still afraid to face him, even though all her words tonight so far had tried to prove otherwise. The light of the moon reflected on her pale grey eyes, making them look almost completely white in colour, and Kylo had the strangest feeling that they had already been in this moment before. That he had foreseen it coming.

"You're leaving?" The little girl asked, voice so sweet it almost grated on Kylo's nerves.

Cara sighed, taking a step closer towards the young child in front of her, turning her head away from him once more. Kylo could see the small tears in Lula's eyes, making him avert his gaze.

"Yes, Lula. I'm sorry. I have to go home. Your grandfather – he'll be alright. I'll check on him in the morning. I've taught you a lot these past few weeks. I trust you'll do your best. You'll take care of him. And someday, you can become a healer, just like me. I'll come back for you."

"I understand. I wouldn't want to be away from home either." Lula said, quickly looking inside the tent she had just stepped out of. Kylo could hardly believe what he was hearing. How could anyone consider this place home? Naïve, this girl was. He could barely understand how Cara had the patience.

"I'll see you in the morning, Lula. Go back to sleep." Cara whispered, more gently this time. The young child turned back inside, the tent flap falling closed rather harshly against the pole that was holding it up. It was silent between Cara and Kylo for a long while.

"Home?" Kylo finally spoke, surprising even himself when he was the first to utter another word.

"Home. Someplace with you. I've never really known any other home that did not have you in it."

She turned towards him fully now, stepping away from the tent and taking strong strides towards him. She only stopped when she was face to face with him, only a few inches of dry air separating them. She looked at his scar, studied it almost scientifically, as though all the answers to any questions she may have had about him would be found within the slowly healing wound.

"Where we are going is not a place I would be quick to call a home." He said, softer than he himself had expected.

"It doesn't matter. You will be there, and I will be sure to return the favour."

He did not miss the insinuation in her words, the ludicrous promise that she was making that she would somehow take him back to D'Qar. Her expression was defiant however, eyes hardened, and he could hardly bring himself to argue with her. She was here, in front of him. That was all that mattered.

"I was right, you know." Cara said.

"About what?" He asked, and for once there was no double standard in his question, no threat of anger or suspicion. It was curiosity, plain and simple. The kind that only she could awaken within him.

She brought her fingers up to his face, ghosting over his cheek before allowing herself the softest of touches on the angry red skin that had taken residence upon his features. Her touch was so light, so feathery, and where he had expected pain, he merely felt her concern, her twisted devotion to him.

"About being able to see both sides of you now." She whispered, and as her fingers finished tracing the outline of his scar and the warmth of her touch left his face, the damaged skin that had only burned angrily since the wound had been inflicted now felt oddly cold.

* * *

A/N: I really enjoyed writing this chapter! When I was writing the first part of BDTB my favourite chapters to write were the ones where they interacted with each other in the present, so I'm really glad I've brought this story back to a point where that's possible. Again, if you have any suggestions for things you'd like to see happen in this story, any ideas are welcome! Thanks for reading and whatever reviews you may leave, as ever, it means a lot. New chapter ASAP!


	10. Chapter 10

Cara's POV

* * *

"I'm not leaving until the morning, Kylo. You may as well make yourself comfortable."

She could tell that he was not about to move a muscle, not while she was still standing so close to him. She had noticed his quick intake of breath after she first touched his scar – the skin had felt rough and raw beneath her fingertips. Cara had tried not to let it affect her, to not allow him to see what she felt seeing him in this state; but it did. It affected her – it made her feel sad, fearful, and filled with sorrow. These were emotions that she wanted to share with him. She wanted to tell him how she felt, how she truly felt. She was tired of being angry with him all the time. The hate-filled façade that she was currently putting up? She was not sure which of them benefitted from it most, if at all.

"Is there something you wish to share with me, Cara?" He asked, and his voice was so soft she could hardly stand it.

"No. No, there isn't." She lied, trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince him.

"The destruction of Hosnian Prime does not concern you Cara, nor does the destruction of the rest of the Hosnian System."

To say that she was surprised by his words was an understatement. She felt shocked and disappointed by what he was accusing her of.

"If you think that's true than I guess you truly don't know me at all, Kylo Ren."

Neither of them had moved even one step away from the other. Whether this was because they were trying to gage a reaction or because they were trying to intimidate each other, was still unclear to Cara. She wondered if Kylo knew. Perhaps she should ask him.

"But I do know you, Cara. Just as you know me. You do care, yes. I know you care about the lives of those that you've never even met before, let alone those that you have some kind of futile connection with. Never was this clearer to me than when you helped our prisoner's escape – the pilot, the traitor, and the scavenger. You care for people more deeply than you should."

His words made her cheeks flush – she had not heard Kylo talk about her this way since before he had changed his entire being. Not since he had been Ben Solo. She could feel his hot breath on her face as she watched his lips move, speaking to her in a manner so gentle she hardly knew what to do with herself anymore. She briefly wondered if this was some new threatening technique he was using – his gentle mannerisms and tone of voice were probably meant to confuse her, manipulate her into becoming more compliant with him, but she decided to let herself enjoy it. There was no denying the fact that she was lonely. She was surrounded by people grateful for her presence, loyal to her because of what she could offer them. But none of them knew what she had been through, the turmoil she felt inside, the loss she had had to deal with. Kylo knew, though. Kylo could make her feel whole, and focused, and in control of herself. Around him, she knew who she was. She knew where to direct her anger, she knew where to direct her sorrow. Without him, she was lost.

"You care for people, as I thought you cared for me. There is only one question I wish to ask you, Cara."

She could feel herself step away from him, unknowingly and unwillingly. The guilt she had tried to hide from was resurfacing, his presence here and the question she knew he would ask becoming much too real. He was really here. She would really need to answer. Stepping away from him, stepping away from the warmth of his skin and the strength of his body was purely out of self-defence; but Kylo was having none of it, and he matched every backwards step of hers with a forward step of his own.

"Why did you decide to leave me there, Cara? Did you not think I needed you?"

The gentle tone of his voice was gone, replaced with contempt and confusion. She could feel tears stinging her eyes, every angry resolve she had when she had first noticed his shadow looming over slipping away. This was the question she had asked herself as well. Had she done right in abandoning him? Had she done right in keeping her promise to Ben Solo, a man, who by all accounts except her own, was nowhere to be found?

"I don't – I don't know, Kylo." She shook her head, looking at the ground, slowly counting the grains of sand she could see. There were too many – too many to count, too many to focus on. Every step he took towards her kicked up another spray of dust until the shape of the sand field had shifted beneath them and all her determination had been lost.

"Oh, but I think you do, Cara. I think you knew that I would have been disappointed in you. I think you know that I need you. I think you know that you leaving me would send me into a spiral that only you yourself were capable of creating as well as mending. I think you knew all of this, and more, and yet you still decided to leave me on a forsaken planet. So why did you do this, Cara? What was your reasoning, your incentive?"

He grabbed her chin between his fingers, forcing her to meet his gaze. His grip was softer than she had anticipated – she had thought his fingertips would be digging into her skin so hard she would be able to feel the bruises form under them almost immediately. Yet, there he was, forcing her to looking at him, his eyes wild and furious, yet his touch gentle and caring. His entire body language was the embodiment of what she was feeling, a reflection of the divide she saw on his face. Love laced with anger, pain, and betrayal.

"Is that why you came here, Kylo?' Cara asked, 'For closure? To understand my motivation?"

He pulled her face closer towards him – he was so tall, and all she wanted to do was to be able to look directly into his eyes, stand at the same height as him, and she could feel herself rising to stand on her toes, hoping that a different angle would shed some new light on his current state of mind.

"Do not try to change the subject, Cara Nova." Kylo said, his voice much lower in tone now. It affected something within her – she could feel her abdomen tighten at the sound, as though a coil was winding throughout her over which she had no control. It knocked the wind out of her, leaving her breathless.

"I kept a promise I made to you long ago, Kylo. I kept a promise that I made to Ben."

She could see the skin around his scar tighten as he narrowed his eyes and frowned at her. Of course he disapproved. She knew he would.

"Do you always feel the need to keep promises to people who no longer exist in this galaxy?"

"I never truly believed he was gone."

Suddenly, he pushed her away from him, and she lost her balance, falling to her knees in the sand. Her breathing became heavier, as though all the oxygen had been sucked out of the atmosphere. She expected Kylo to look similarly dishevelled, and yet, when she looked at him he seemed almost frozen in place, as though he could hardly believe that she would say such a thing to him.

"What more proof could you possibly need, Cara? Ben Solo is no more! Ben Solo would not have killed his father, his own flesh and blood. He would not have done that to his mother. He would not have killed all of Luke's Padawan's or helped in the creation of a weapon more deadly than the Death Star. What more evidence could you need? Ben Solo is gone, I vanquished him. He was weak. Han Solo knew the second I punctured his stomach with my lightsaber. Why is this so hard for you to understand?"

She half-expected him to kneel down next to her – his voice had become almost pleading, as though he was begging for her to understand, begging for her to see him for who he thought he was, who he thought he should be. He stayed standing, however, one fist clenched at his side, the other winding around the hilt of his lightsaber as she had seen him do so many times before.

Cara shook her head, finally tearing her gaze away from him. She felt defeated and deflated. Sleep was what she needed now, more than anything. "I think you are the one who is having a hard time understanding, Kylo." She said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Oh? How so?" He asked, sarcasm dripping from words, the complete turnaround in his tone of voice making her look up at him suddenly.

"How so? Kylo, don't you see? Why else would you be here? Why else would you have captured me the first time you saw me again? If Ben Solo was truly gone, would you, Kylo Ren, feel any connection to me at all? And yet, you kept me, you rifled through my memories, you hurt me, and then you protected me, and then – and you even kissed me. You kissed me because Ben Solo once kissed me, you protected me because Ben Solo once protected me. Those are his instincts instilled within you, Kylo – and while those instincts may have become your own now as well, they were his to begin with. Nobody else's."

The heat, coupled with her swarming emotions, was starting to get the better of her. She could feel her eyelids becoming heavier, her muscles relaxing into the sand as she let herself lay down and stare up at the dust clouds looming over Jakku. She could not bring herself to fully close her eyes yet, however. She had one more question to ask him.

"Why are you here, Kylo?"

He did not answer, instead opting to turn his entire body away from her, his shoulders tense once more. She traced his silhouette with her eyes, from his wide shoulders down his strong back, to his long legs slowly sinking into the sand beneath him. She wondered if he was tired, emotionally, physically. Whatever base he had come from, she was sure it had been a long journey.

"You can lay down, you know. I promise I will not think less of you." She said, waiting to see if he would heed her words. He stayed still for a moment longer, until he suddenly turned around, stalking towards one of the huts that was currently unoccupied and settling down against it, his long legs stretching in front of him, his gaze trained on her. He was watching her, studying her, and she could feel her body tingle from the attention of his eyes. It should not have surprised her that he would not just lie down in the sand. It would have been much too vulnerable a position for him. Especially around her.

She turned her head away from him, feeling secure in the knowledge that he would be watching over her all night, whether it was for her own protection or his own worry that she would up and leave him again. She finally let her eyes close, sighing a little as her entire body finally relaxed and the sand beneath her moulded around her frame. She could feel herself sinking into sleep, the darkness allowing her mind to finally relax, and she heard what she thought would be his final statement just before she fell into a dreamless sleep.

"Supreme Leader Snoke wanted me to bring you in."

She no longer had the energy to respond, but she could feel her own fingers twitch at the mention of this monster, the man who had forced Ben to change who he was.

"Do not – please – do not let him change you." Kylo whispered softly, and it was the last thing she heard before she felt herself drift off completely.

* * *

A/N: I hope I'm not starting to sound like a broken record, but I'm truly sorry that this chapter took so long. A lot of things are changing in my life now and in the weeks to come (all good things!) so there's a good chance that any updates I can give you will be weirdly spaced and may take longer than I or any of you would like. However, I promise I will finish this story properly because I really appreciate everyone reading and reviewing, and because I love writing about these two. Some updates may come unexpectedly quickly, others a lot slower. I hope you guys understand and continue to read! Again, if you've got any feedback or ideas, please let me know. I'm excited to hear them. X


	11. Chapter 11

Kylo's POV

* * *

Side by side they walked through the desert. Their feet sunk into the sand almost constantly; and while Kylo's affinity with the Force allowed him to gracefully keep moving, Cara had a much harder time navigating through the ever-shifting fields of sand that infected the entire planet of Jakku. The slow pace irritated Kylo to no end - he was constantly having to help her forward, lifting her up by her arms to place her back on less fickle ground, or catching her by her waist whenever her body threatened to tip over. He tried not to let the proximity overwhelm him, but even beneath the heavy and rough fabric of her clothing, he could feel the goosebumps spreading across her skin and the shiver of her spine, and it almost became his undoing. He needed to remain distant, if not physically, than emotionally. He had already said too much yesterday, before silence had befallen them. He had a small sliver of hope that she had not heard his final words, that sleep had overtaken her at just the right moment - but something about the way she had looked at him this morning as she tended to the wounds of the sickly villagers surrounding them for the last time told him differently. He had asked her not to change. She would heed his plea.|

"Thank you for letting me stay until the morning, Kylo. It meant a lot to them. It - it meant a lot to me." Cara called from behind him.

He had gotten so lost in his thoughts that he had barely noticed that she had fallen behind once more. He stopped walking, not bothering to turn around to watch her clumsily try and match his pace. He had said as little to her as possible this morning, the physicality of his actions enough to speak for themselves.

"How much longer?" Cara asked, another one of her attempts to make conversation with him. It was clear that she was curious as to what Snoke was truly planning with her. Kylo wished he knew. Yes, he knew that she was his final test. That was what worried him. He had no idea what the test itself was.

"Not much further." Kylo replied curtly - they had already started on the slight incline behind which his chosen TIE Fighter awaited them. The journey home would be a long one. He hoped that the walk to the ship would have tired her out too much for her to ask him any more questions. Last night, they had been surrounded by witnesses, people who would have defended Cara from any of his outbursts. If he had even hurt one of them in a fit of rage, Cara never would have trusted him again. He had held back, his voice opting instead to take on a tone of pleading, a tone that he was not used to. Whenever he could not speak in anger, it was hard for him to choose a different emotion which he could turn to. It vexed him that the mere sight of her face and sound of her voice made it harder for him to control himself, for him to remember who he was.

He was Kylo Ren. The man who had found his own way to the Dark Side, the man who had murdered Han Solo. He was Kylo Ren. That was who he was meant to be.

"Kylo, stop, please. Just for a moment."

He ignored her, continuing up the steep slope. He did not want to talk to her until they were well on their way back to base, until he was out from underneath the glare of the blinding sun and away from the irritation of the swirling dust.

"Kylo, come on. I just need a minute."

"It's not much further, Cara. There are worse things waiting for you in this galaxy." Kylo replied, projecting his voice so that she would be able to hear him without having to face her.

"I am well aware, Kylo. I have seen worse things in the past too."

"Then this hike should not bother you so much."

"I do not need a minute because my legs are too stiff or my feet feel too heavy, Kylo. I need a minute because I still haven't completely accepted the fact that I am returning with you to a base where it is quite clear that your superior, emperor, leader, or whatever it is you would like to call him, is intending to either alter who I am completely or make sure that I cannot affect you in any way, or in whatever capacity your future has in store for you. And I am following you because I have nowhere else to go Kylo - not without you, anyway. I am intending to take you back to D'Qar, and if this is the way to convince you that it is time for you to come home, to come home with me, than this is how I will do it. But that does not mean that this is easy for me, or that I am making this choice lightly."

He finally stood still, having reached the top of the hill. The reflection of the sun in the wings of the TIE Fighter hurt his eyes, and he had to turn away from the sight of his ship, finally turning to face her for the first time since they had set off this morning. She was hunched over, holdling her hand above her eyes, trying to block the sun from her own gaze. He suddenly felt a clench in his gut, a reminder of a memory that Ben Solo had once had of her. Images crossed his mind's eye, images of Cara chasing him in the fields outside the Resistance's base, shielding her eyes from the sun.

* * *

 _"Ben, slow down! Let me catch up to you!"_

 _He turned around, never slowing his pace, running backwards while grinning broadly._

 _"Are you trying to tell me that you can't keep up with me, Cara Nova?"_

 _"Yes, Ben. That is exactly what I'm trying to tell you. Now slow down!"_

 _His smile stretched out further, a laugh escaping him as he watched Cara bring her hand up above her eyes to shield her gaze from the brightness of the sun._

 _"Cara, you know very well that you could keep up with me if you tried."_

 _"Not when I'm being blinded by the sun. I do not understand how some people survive on desert planets like Jakku and Tatooine and face the wrath of that blazing star for hours on end."_

 _He laughed again, feeling the most carefree he had in a long time. Dark thoughts had been clouding his mind as of late - the time for training was beginning to dawn upon him, and the voices, or rather, voice, in the back of his mind kept telling him to go sooner, to start on the path he was destined to be on. The voice was telling him to distance himself from his family, from Cara - but when he looked at her angry face right now, he asked himself if he would ever be able to leave her on her own. He hoped that she asked herself the same thing. Perhaps he would gather the courage to ask her himself._

 _"Why are we out here again?" She asked, finally mustering the strength to sprint towards him. She linked her arm through his when she finally reached him, leaning on him more heavily than he suspected was necessary. Not that he minded. He enjoyed being this close to her. Sometimes he allowed himself to think about getting even closer to her. He would never act on it, though. Not until he was desperate enough to remember her in as much detail as he possibly could._

 _"Because I wanted to show you something."_

 _"Another lightning storm?' She asked, excitement and confusion evident in her voice all at once. 'It doesn't smell like there's a storm coming."_

 _"There isn't. That's not what I wanted to show you." He said, slipping his arm out from under hers, only to lace his fingers between her delicate ones. Suddenly, he pulled her along, earning him a loud gasp as she struggled to regain her balance. He smiled again, more to himself than for her before turning right without warning, plunging them into the edges of the forest._

 _"Where are we going?" She asked, a slight tinge of fear worming its way into her words. He had been expecting the change of tone, however, and squeezed her hand reassuringly before leading her further between the trees._

 _"Ben, you know I don't like being in here."_

 _He knew. Of course he knew. The last time he had brought her into the forest she had almost had a panic attack of sorts - something to do with a memory of her parents. He had never forced her to talk about it, never forced her to relive the past. He had led her out of the forest swiftly and quickly, and they had never talked about it again. It was one of the few topics that remained unexplored between the two of them. He thought it was time for that to change._

 _"I know, I promise, this is worth it."_

 _"Ben..."_

 _"Cara, I wouldn't force you to do something that I didn't think would help you in some way. I wouldn't force you to do something if I didn't think you could handle it."_

 _"Things can change." Cara said, catching him off guard._

 _"Do you think so little of me?" Ben asked with a raised voice, feeling slightly offended. He could feel his fingers slipping from hers, even without meaning to do so._

 _"No - Ben, that's not what I meant."_

 _He felt himself draw a deep breath, suddenly regretting the loss of contact between their hands. He looked her straight in the eye, and he could see the tinge of blush gracing her cheeks as he did so. He shook his head, thinking nothing of it. She was scared, she felt flushed. That was all it was._

 _"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." He started walking again, only looking back to make sure that she was following, feeling slightly awkward at the idea of taking her hand again. The moment had passed. The tense air that had surrounded them the last few months had returned._

 _"I do." She whispered, probably hoping that he would not hear her. But he did, and he flinched at her words, hoping beyond hope that she had not noticed him distancing himself from everyone he knew, and everyone that cared about him. The voice in his head had been telling him to do so. She was the only one he was truly having trouble staying away from._

 _They kept walking, Ben checking behind him to to make sure that she was still following every so often. They did not exchange another word, and he passed it off as them enjoying each other's company in silence. They were almost arriving at their destination anyway. She would have enough questions for him then._

 _"Stop." He said suddenly, and she walked straight into his back. He had sensed it coming and had been able to brace himself, once more enjoying the feeling of warmth that her body brought with it. She looked over his shoulder, remaining behind him, and he could feel the light fanning of her breath across his jaw._

 _"Why are we stopping here?" She asked, genuine curiosity in her question. They had stopped at the edge of a perfectly circular clearing, the canopy of trees above it thicker than anywhere else in the forest, plunging them into a deeper darkness than could be seen behind them. He could feel her body start to shake behind him, a clear sign that she was getting anxious once more, and he turned to face her so that she could tether herself to the familiarity of his face._

 _"This is what I wanted to show you the last time I tried to bring you in here."_

 _"Oh." She said, quite simply. He wondered if she felt embarassed about her panic attack last time. He wanted to tell her that she should not._

 _"Take a step forwards."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Just - just do it, Cara. I know that sense of adventure is still within you somewhere."_

 _"Oh please, you know that I can't resist a mystery. Maybe I'm not as obsessed with them as you are, but..." She said, smiling slightly, beginning to relax as their usual banter returned. She stepped around him, turning towards him, walking backwards into the clearing. All of a sudden, the smile was wiped from her face, and she yelped out in a pitch much higher than he had expected._

 _"It's freezing. Why is it freezing? Why didn't you warn me that it was freezing?" She yelled at him, rubbing her arms furiously to try and keep warm._

 _"That's the surprise."_

 _"Well, I certainly am that. What the hell is this place?"_

 _He laughed at her choice of words, knowing that she hardly ever used certain types of language to express her anger, or shock. He stepped towards her, but the cold did not affect him as it would have done in the past. It surprised even himself, and he could hear the voice in the back of his mind saying once more that he was only beginning to discover the breadth of his power. He blocked out the sound, focussing instead only on her face, on her eyes._

 _"The biggest mystery on this planet."_

 _"You're mocking me." Cara said, staring at him intently._

 _"I promise, I am not. I would never mock you, Cara. I am genuinely telling you that this is one of the few mysteries that even I have never been able to solve. Nor has anyone else on this planet, or anyone outside of this planet. This circle we are standing in right now is the ultimate mystery."_

 _"Even I..." Cara scoffed, looking at him with a smile on her face._

 _"Yes, even I." He said, a hint of humour in his voice._

 _"So is this the ultimate goal?" She asked him seriously now, knowing how much this kind of thing meant to him._

 _"This could be our ultimate goal."_

 _"Solving the mystery of the clearing."_

 _"Yes, solving the mystery of the clearing."_

 _They both knew that he was leaving soon. They both knew that neither of them knew for how long they would not see each other. They both knew that they had no control over what happened to their relationship in the future, especially not with the Jedi vows that Ben would need to take. Right now, however, in this moment, they needed to know they would have one last mystery to solve, together._

* * *

"It worries you that you do not know what kind of fate will befall you once confronted with Surpeme Leader Snoke."

"Yes, of course it worries me, wouldn't that worry you?" She asked, the look in her eyes making it clear she was trying to see a part of Ben in him. A part of Ben that Kylo was having a hard time surpressing after being reminded of that memory.

"Think of it as a mystery to solve, Cara. Think of it as a mystery we can solve together."

He did not wait to see her expression, did not wait to hear her reply. He stalked down towards the TIE Fighter, the confusion of his own thoughts and memories making it harder for him to maintian his poise and step down the hill of sand without falling to his knees.

* * *

A/N: I'm really glad I had the time to post another chapter! Let me know what you guys think, as always. Feedback is greatly appreciated. I really liked writing one of the memories from Ben's POV instead of Cara's. Reading reviews always puts a smile on my face. Hopefully I'll be able to give you guys another chapter soon! X


	12. Chapter 12

Cara's POV

* * *

"I can hardly believe this is finally happening, like this." Cara said, staring out of the tinted windows of the TIE Fighter as the galaxy seemed to speed past them.

Kylo did not answer, instead continuing to stare pointedly at his controls, even though the course had already been set and they were well on their way to the First Order's newest base of operations. It was a strange moment for Cara, this. Sitting in a ship of which Kylo, or Ben, was the pilot, with her in the passengers seat. On their way to a new destination she had yet to explore. It was all they had ever planned together, and yet it was nothing like she had ever imagined it. The menacing black robes Kylo was wearing, the red lightsaber strapped to his side. The helmet which he once again wore now that they had left the unbearable heat of Jakku. It was nothing like she had ever thought him to look during their planned adventures. She missed his curls and his wide inquisitve eyes, and the smirk he would have undoubtedly worn had he known some kind of trivia about the planet they were about to visit before she did. In this moment, no matter what her undoubtedly strong feelings for Kylo Ren were, this was one of the moments that she truly missed Ben. Ben Solo, her friend, Ben Solo, the Jedi-in waiting. Son of Leia and Han, nephew to Luke. That was who she missed now.

"Long ago, Ben and I had planned to explore the galaxy together. We would have our own little ship, that would feel like home, and we would go to all these planets that nobody had ever heard of or thought to explore before. We wouldn't be worried about safety, because Ben would have been the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy - and we would learn about the worlds together. Does any of that sound familiar to you, Kylo?"

It was a desperate attempt to pull a reaction of out of him, and Cara knew it. Aside from his pleas when he had first come to pick her up, Kylo had been wearing his physical and emotional mask once more. She knew that he was just as worried about Snoke as she was - and yet he would not let her know. If only he would let her know.

There was complete silence for a moment, the vacuum of space outside of them allowing for a stillness that seemed foreign to Cara. After the sounds of tents flapping and sand storms surrounding her for the past weeks, complete and utter silence seemed eerie, and unsettling.

"Why are you referring to Ben Solo as a seperate person?"

Cara was shocked by his sudden question, hardly believing that he had even asked it in the first place.

"Would you like me to refer to you as the same person?" She asked, unable to mask the tone of hope in her voice.

"No, because that is not the case. It's just unusual for you, that's all."

"I never really know who I'm talking to anyway, why keep up the pretense?"

"Because you believe you can still fix him."

"Do I?"

"You know you do. A futile hope, of course. But you do."

Cara laid her head back against her seat, and closed her eyes. She was tired of constantly having this conversation with him. All she wanted was for him to tell her what he was truly thinking, feeling. She wanted Kylo Ren, not even Ben Solo, to be honest with her. Was that not something she deserved? To feel as though he trusted her, on some level?

"Is that such a foreign concept to you, believing? You must believe in the First Order, if you are such an integral part of it."

"The First Order is merely a stepping stone in what I am to become."

"Who told you that, Snoke? Why do I feel like Snoke is the one that manipulated you into becoming this thing that you are today?"

"Supreme Leader Snoke, to you."

"I do not care what his name is, Kylo. What I care about is you."

She almost thought she had him stumped, the silence following her statement hanging in the air between them as a faint summary of what their relationship had become. A relationship that often felt one-sided, until Kylo Ren would suddenly blindside her with a show of affection that only she would be given. A kiss, a moment of rage-induced protection. A moment of weakness.

"Tell me about him." Cara continued, hoping to induce one of those moments of weakness now.

Kylo did not reply, but she could see his shoulders shifting, his back tensing. She wondered if he thought she was joking, trying to mess with him in some way. When was the last time anyone had ever asked about his own motivations, without trying to manipulate him in some way, wanting something from him? When was the last time someone had actually truly listened to what he had to say?

"Tell me about Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo. You say he helped you. I want to know how."

"And you think the time to discuss this is now?"

"I would argue that there is no better time, Kylo. When will we ever be as alone as this again? When will either of us be able to speak this freely again, without worrying about who will hear us and who will use it against us?"

"How do I know that you will not use my own confessions against me?"

"I won't if you do not give me a reason to."

He fell silent once more, and the silence went on until Cara had almost given up on waiting for his answer. She opened her eyes again, however, choosing to try and count the stars and the streaks they left in their wake as they zoomed past them, never to be counted again. It was a challenge, but it was a challenge that kept her occupied - occupied enough to forget about her impending meeting with Snoke and occupied enough to distract herself from the man sat in front of her.

"He spoke to me, often."

Cara lost count of the stars and streaks she had seen in the vast space surrounding her, opting to close her eyes again as she let his words sink in, trying to formulate a response that would not trigger him in any way that would be considered an attack on his choices in the past. She needed him to believe that she truly wanted to understand Kylo Ren, seperate him from the person she had once known - and while she had made concious efforts to do so in the past, she knew it was more important now than it had ever been before. She needed him on her side, completely. There was no one else that would fight for her within the First Order. Not any more.

"When did it start?" She asked, genuinely curious.

"A few years before I realized who I was meant to become, who I was destined to be."

"A few years before you became Kylo Ren."

"Yes." He said, his voice barely above a whisper, only audible because of the silence that surrounded them.

"What did he say to you, when he spoke to you?"

She could see his shoulders relax a bit, his head hanging low as he considered his response. She was sure that he would not tell her the whole truth, the whole story - but it was a start, and for that she was grateful.

"He spoke to me of a world where there was no imbalance of power - where the Dark side could rule, and rule absolute, and people would know who to follow, and there would be order. Chaos would be overthrown, the manipulations of the Resistance a thing of the past. The Dark side would finally conquer the Light, and the galaxy would finally find peace."

"And you believed him?" She asked, already knowing the answer but needing to hear it in his own words.

"Yes. A galaxy without order is not a galaxy worth fighting for. The freedom for which the Resistance gladly gives up their lives? It is a concept that can never be won. All races and all lifeforms need something to follow, something to understand. Freedom, true freedom, is not a concept that can be obtained. Order, however, a controlled system of planets and galaxies and solar systems is something that can be attained. It is something people can strive for, and understand what it is they are striving for."

"Is that what Snoke told you, when he convinced you to join the newly formed First Order?"

"Yes, and no. He told me about the chaos that needed to be overthrown and the order that needed to ensue - the impossibility of freedom is something that I had already learnt about myself."

"Can I ask, when? When did you learn that freedom is not something that is attainable?"

"Back when Ben Solo still existed, and his parents forced him to train in the ways of the Jedi, to leave everything he knew and cared about in pursuit of some higher purpose. A higher purpse which completely strips an individual of their freedom to care about those he cares about, and to choose that which he wants to fight for."

Cara could feel tears starting to prick her eyes. He was right in a way, of course. That is what made it all the sadder. The Jedi Order had many rules and regulations. She understood where Kylo was coming from. Such rules would have made her feel confined as well. Restricted. Suddenly, she understood how Snoke had managed to manipulate one of the most powerful, caring, inquisitive and smartest individuals she had ever known. Latch on to the one insecurity they have, and overwhelm them with it. Overwhelm them with feelings of anger and confusion, overwhelm them with the sense that no one understands their point of view, and you can turn anyone. No one should have to feel that lonely in the world.

"I wonder if I would have understood." Cara said, voicing her thoughts out loud.

"Understood what, Cara Nova?" Kylo asked, never having even turned his head towards the sound of her voice behind him.

"If you - If Ben, had told me all of this - would I have understood, as I think I understand now? Because I do, Kylo. I can't imagine what it must feel like to think that your entire existence has already been planned for you."

"The Cara before me now understands because she knows what it's like to feel trapped. The Cara back then would not have known what that feels like. The kind of impact that can have, on a person."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Kylo asked, and she could almost hear the fragility in his voice that he never let her hear, much less see, and she was suddenly grateful to Supreme Leader Snoke - for having Kylo come fetch her, for giving them this time together, just the two of them. It gave her a strange sense of fulfillment and doom at the same time.

"For giving you the impression that I would not have understood what you were going through back then, what Ben was going through. I'm sorry if I was part of the problem."

The both of them fell quiet once more, the impact of their words weighing heavily on the both of them, making the anticipation of whatever was to come that much worse. They were nearing their destination now, the TIE Fighter slowing down as an enormous ship came into view, obscuring the bright lights of the stars that were undoubtedly behind it. Cara gasped, not having expected the First Order to already have such a large ship, and perhaps even larger arsenal, already up and running so shortly after the attack on Starkiller Base. A feeling of dread settled in the pit of her stomach, as Kylo turned the controls towards the ship, slowly delivering her to her fate. Her fate at the hands of Supreme Leader Snoke.

"You were never part of the problem, Cara Nova. You were only ever the solution."

She tried to resist the temptation to place her hand on his shoulder, but the sudden urge to feel his strong frame under her hand was much too compelling, and she carefully curled her fingers around his upper-arm, comforted by the feeling of warmth and strength that radiated from him.

"Then I think we've just answered the question of why Snoke summoned me here." She responded, unable to take her eyes off of the enormous ship they were now flying into.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for waiting for another chapter. I've recently started my Masters and working on my first novel, so this story doesn't always have priority, but I promise to keep uploading, as sporadically as that may be. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, please don't hesitate to leave your thoughts in a review, and hopefully I'll be able to upload something again soon! X


	13. Chapter 13

Cara's POV

* * *

Cara looked out the window of the TIE Fighter as it flew into the gaping hole of the Star Destroyer. It suddenly dawned on her, the magnitude of the Empire's power. The ruin of Starkiller Base may have hindered them, for now – but how could the Rebellion ever hope to win the fight against an enemy that seemed to have unlimited resources? The destruction of the Death Star was not enough. The destruction of Starkiller Base was not enough. The only thing that would be enough, she realized, was the elimination of their leaders. Only then would the Empire fall.

Kylo gently brought the smaller ship down, allowing a few Imperial workers to anchor it to the heavy metal floor they had landed on. She saw his hesitation to take his hands off the controls – she knew as well as he did that as soon as they stepped out of this ship, all sense of security they may have had would vanish, no matter how false it had been. His hand clutched the handles tighter, his knuckles squeezing to break out from under the black leather of his gloves. Cara squeezed his shoulder, hoping the gesture would bring him some comfort. There was no sense in delaying the inevitable. Snoke would want to see her, and she had enough experience with the Empire to know that they would always use force to bring her in, if necessary. The Force, even, if Kylo were to be involved. She shuddered at the thought that she might cross paths with General Hux again. She had encountered his cold eyes and sharp smile enough to last her a lifetime.

She let her hand linger on his shoulder, using her palm to try and push his back forwards in an effort to get him to stand up. She was surprised at his unwillingness to leave the TIE Fighter. His confession of Snoke's manipulations seemed to have a greater effect on him than she would have thought. On the one hand, this pleased her – she took it to mean that he felt guilty, to some extent. Ashamed, even. Ashamed that he had allowed somebody else so much control over his own choices. Manipulation the consequences of which still echoed throughout their lives even all these years later. The death of Han Solo had undoubtedly been the result of Snoke's command, not Kylo's wishes. Cara believed this to be true, just as Leia did.

"There's no sense in waiting," she said, in a soft voice. She did not want to startle him. Right now, he was the only person she still had on her side – but once they entered a room with Snoke, who knew how long that would last. It was all she could do to keep herself from falling apart at the prospect of meeting the Supreme Leader.

He slowly took his hands off the controls, lifting them into mid-air before allowing them to fall into his lap. Cara allowed herself to hope that it had been his initial intention to place his hand over hers – it was an affection she desperately craved from him right now. Anything to make her feel more at ease. Anything to make her feel as though he was with her, truly, with her.

He stood up. His tall frame had to stoop awkwardly within the confined space of the TIE Fighter, and as the door finally hissed open he allowed Cara to step out before he did. He straightened up, the movement looking all the more menacing with his helmet still on. She saw the tense actions of the Imperial workers around them – Cara had no doubt that word of Kylo's unforgiving temper had made its way around the entire Imperial organization. She hoped they were petrified of him. It gave her an odd sense of power, feeling as though she was the only one who could successfully keep him in check. Along with Snoke, that is.

"He'll be in his chamber," Kylo spoke, his voice much more authoritative now than it had been in the cockpit of their ship moments ago. The Imperial officers scattered, giving them a wide berth through which to walk across the Star Destroyer's hangar. Cara tried and failed to match his long stride, running to keep up with him instead. He was nervous, she could tell. She doubted he was as nervous as she was, though.

They walked through countless tunnels, along countless bridges, until at last they had reached the door Kylo had been looking for. The door was immense and intimidating, and Cara had to crane her neck to see the top of it. It rounded out along with the wall, and she assumed that they were about to step into some sort of circular chamber. Impressive as the Star Destroyer was, she knew that whatever was behind those doors would impress upon her memory something much more frightening.

Kylo turned his head towards her, and all Cara wanted to do in that moment was to rip the mask from his face. She needed to see his eyes, she needed to see the pain that was behind them. She needed to know that he would be on her side, and that his emotional confessions from before were not just him using Snoke's tactics against her. How could she ever know that Snoke had not ordered him to tell her those things, just to make her emotionally weaker? How could she know that anything Kylo told her was the truth if she could not see the expressions on his face?

"Are you ready?" he asked, and in that moment she could have laughed out loud, breaking the eerie silence that seemed to inhabit the entirety of the Empire's ship.

"Do you think I'm ready?"

"No. I do not." He said, the distortion of his voice through the mask making his words fall all the more flat.

He was about to unlock the door when the unmistakeable plastic sound of Stormtrooper armour came running at them from around the corner. Kylo's head snapped towards the soldier, his body tensing as anger seemed to fill entire being seemingly out of nowhere.

"Sir, General Hux would like to be present when you bring the prisoner in to speak with the Supreme Leader. He ordered me to ask you to wait until he arrives."

"I find it hard to believe that General Hux was so polite about anything." Kylo said, and Cara could feel the corner of her mouth twitch upwards ever so slightly – she liked this sarcastic side of him.

The trooper seemed to have nothing to say in response, and the situation only managed to become funnier to Cara. Sure, she had to endure General Hux's face again – but at least Kylo would be there, by her side. As would Ben, she hoped.

"Very well – run along and tell the General that we expect his arrival promptly." Kylo said, echoing the cadence of Hux's voice. Cara's mouth formed a full smile, and she could have sworn she felt the eyes of the Stormtrooper looking at her questioningly behind Kylo as she had to fight to hold in a laugh. She was descending into madness, she was sure of it. Nothing about this situation should seem so amusing to her.

The soldier quickly sped past them, clearly not wanting to spend any more time in Master Ren's company than was necessary. She appreciated the Stormtrooper's effort to leave them so swiftly. It gave her more time alone with Kylo.

"Something amusing, Cara Nova?" Kylo asked, and his voice suddenly sounded much more energized, as though her smile gave him more hope than he had before.

"Just – the way you spoke to the Stormtrooper."

He said nothing in response, waiting for her to continue.

"The way you spoke to him, it sounded – it sounded a lot like Ben used to. Whenever his sarcasm dripped through."

"I would not have expected you to take pleasure in another person's embarrassment." Kylo said, but his words were not accusatory. He was merely stating a fact.

"Normally I would not. I guess I've changed." Cara said, aware that they both knew this to be true.

"I do not want Hux in there with us."

"I know you don't." Cara said, believing his every word.

He raised his hands, and for a second Cara thought that he would use them to comfort her – put his hands on her shoulders, or her face, just to let her know that everything would be alright. Instead, he put them to the sides of his helmet, and the now familiar hiss and click sound alerted her that he was about take his mask off. It slowly revealed his face, and she could feel her entire body relax. He wore an expression of pain and fear, and knowing that he seemed to care so much, even now, after everything they had been through, after she had left him on the demolished Starkiller base, made her smile grow even wider.

She wanted to hug him fiercely. She wanted to feel his fingers between hers, their hands squeezing each other so tight they lost all feeling in their fingertips. She wanted to feel his warmth, run her hands through his hair – she wanted to feel him, any part of him.

"Thank you," she said, grateful even for the small gesture of affection of taking his helmet off. At least there would be a friendly face in there with her now.

Surprisingly, he stooped down to place his helmet on the floor, just between their feet. She had assumed that he would take it in there with them, perhaps as a sign of respect towards Snoke or a gesture of intimidation towards Hux. Hux was afraid of Kylo, she knew. Kylo was the much more powerful of the two, after all.

She felt a flutter of excitement as his action caused her to move closer towards him. She had not realized how much she had craved human contact all the time she had been on Jakku – meaningful human contact, the kind that makes you feel alive, and wanted – not used and needed.

Silence permeated the air between them as Cara grew more anxious. He could sense it, she could tell. His eyes narrowed on her face, as though he was studying her expressions, the need for words unnecessary in comparison to how well he knew her.

Without her even realizing it, Kylo had lifted his hands towards his face. His gloves were still on, but the prospect of him holding her in any way was enough for her to be unbothered by this fact. He brought his hand up along her face, and the air between his fingers and soft skin was palpable and nearly crackling with energy, as though The Force was moving between them, right now. She suspected it might be – perhaps he was using the power of The Force to restrain himself, in case Hux were to waltz in quicker than expected. Whatever it was, it made her feel awake, and vigilant. Even without Kylo truly touching her, his hold over her was immeasurable.

Slowly, he brought both of his hands against the side of her neck, his leather-covered fingers pressing into the hard muscles that lay beneath her soft skin. The grip was tight, but it was not a grip that was meant to cause fear. The look on his face told her that it was somehow meant to anchor her to him, an assurance that he was there with her. Her heart was beating so fast and wildly she was sure he could hear it. The last time she had felt this intensely focused was when Kylo Ren had kissed her.

His thumbs stroked along her jaw line gently, barely touching her. He was looking down at her, and she was looking up at him, and if they had been in any other situation, and other location, she would have thrown all of her inhibitions away and kissed him right then and there. But they were on a Star Destroyer, Snoke was on the other side of that door, and Hux was coming towards them, undoubtedly waiting for the perfect moment to interrupt them.

"Stand your ground in there, Cara. For me." He whispered, and she closed her eyes, preparing herself for whatever it was that Snoke had in store for her.

* * *

A/N: I can't believe its been two months since I've uploaded a new chapter. I'm so sorry that it took me so long - but I've been writing the first 10,000 words of my novel for my Masters degree and I couldn't really focus on any other stories. In good news, however, I've got a very long holiday break, so I'm planning on uploading regularly in the next few weeks! I'm glad to see that people are still following BDTB I and II, it means a lot to me - especially with recent release of Rogue One! As always, any reviews are appreciated, and I'm glad for whatever readers are still here with me.


	14. Chapter 14

Kylo Ren's POV

* * *

"Look who has returned. What a merry reunion this must be for you both," Hux drawled as he came striding around the corner. His hands were folded behind his back, a sneer evident on his pale features, and Kylo's hand automatically went to the hilt of his lightsaber. Cara was still standing close to him, too close – and Hux had obviously noted their proximity to one another. There was no doubt in Kylo's mind that this would be used against him somehow.

"Thank you for finally working up the courage to come and see Snoke with us, General. It took you much longer than I expected," Kylo said, tearing his eyes away from Cara's to look at Hux. His helmet was still on the floor at Cara's feet, and he had the sudden overwhelming urge to pick it up and shove it over his head, if only to have Hux fear him once more. He was making it much too easy for the General – before Cara had come back into his life, before he had allowed himself to be misled and tempted by her, Hux had feared him and respected him, albeit begrudgingly. Now, he could see that the red-haired man resented him, and wanted to belittle him. Kylo could not let that happen.

He knew that Hux would expect him to put the helmet on once again, though. Kylo had always deemed it as a sign of respect for the Supreme Leader, and had only ever gone in without it when he was in desperate need of guidance, of a shove back towards the Dark Side. In this case, though, he wanted to prove Hux wrong. He wanted to prove Snoke wrong. He wanted to prove that he could still be who he was meant to be, who he was destined to become – even if Cara stayed by his side.

He bent down to pick up the helmet again. Cara had seemingly frozen in place. Whether it was from the fear of seeing General Hux again or the moment they had just shared, Kylo could not be sure. He wished he knew. She was not as easy to read as she thought she was.

Placing the helmet under his arm next to his weapon, Kylo could see the General's face tighten, as though it physically pained him to see Kylo defy and surprise him by not putting on the helmet. Kylo could feel his lips pulling into a smirk, having a hard time controlling his reactions. Cara was still standing too close to him. He itched to pull his lightsaber from its holster, to hear the familiar crackle of energy and cast them all in the eerie red glow. His weapon was unique, and highly volatile, just as he was. It served as a reminder of who he was, and what he stood for.

"Shall we head in, General? Or do you need another moment?" Kylo asked, sarcasm dripping heavily from his voice. He narrowed his eyes at Hux, gauging his reaction, feeling strangely satisfied when he noticed the General's entire body tense with anger. Hux jabbed his fingers at the security pad, entering the code that only he and Kylo were aware of. The large curved doors hiss and clicked, much like his helmet did, and slowly slid open, revealing the familiar large circular chamber they used to communicate with their Supreme Leader. Hux stepped inside first, obviously trying to prove that he was in no way intimidated by neither Snoke nor Kylo. Cara was still froze in place, her eyes wandering across the immense chamber, her feet glued to the relative safety of the corridor. Kylo gently pushed his shoulder into hers, beckoning her forward, and the physical contact seemed to snap her out of her stupor as she finally stepped foot inside.

Kylo understood why she was nervous. Neither of them truly knew what it was that Snoke wanted with her.

Snoke's hologram had not materialized yet. Kylo wished his mentor had already appeared, if only so that Cara could have immediately gotten used to his impressive presence. He remembered the first time he had come face to face with the Supreme Leader. After having heard only his mentor's voice for so long, the enormous size of his hologram had frightened him. The Dark Side had called to him, however, and he had pushed through his fear. Snoke had told him he was proud of him for facing his fears, for listening to his desires. Kylo had known then that Snoke had his best interests at heart. He could only hope that was still the case.

Cara turned to him, trying to catch his gaze. He could feel himself averting her line of sight, hoping that she would not look to him for comfort and compassion in her fear. Her eyes were wide, her hands were trembling. The situation was only about to get worse. Snoke's form was flickering into view on the massive platform, and his voice echoed throughout the chamber when he finally spoke.

"I see you have brought me the girl, Master of the Knights of Ren. You have done well."

Snoke's voice was a booming presence, and he could see Cara visibly flinch at the sound of it. Hux had turned his attention fully towards their leader, hoping to outshine Kylo in any way he could. Hux, after all, was not the one that had let an outsider stray him from his path. There was nothing for Snoke to be disappointed in him for. Kylo, however, was a different matter. He could feel his hands clench into fists by his side as he heard Snoke call Cara a girl. As if she was dim and witless, when he knew she was anything but. He knew that she was frightened when the situation called for it, and brave when the need arose. He knew that she was smart, and strong, and most importantly, she knew him. He needed that. He needed her presence in order to remind himself why he had turned to the Dark Side. To leave the childhood that had left him empty and shallow, except for her. She reminded him of Ben Solo's parents, of Luke Skywalker, of all the people who had ever angered or wronged him. That was why she was there. He hoped the Supreme Leader could see that too.

"Supreme Leader, what would you like us to do with her? She has become more than a nuisance within our plans – we would be wise to get rid of her." Hux's slimy voice came from beside Kylo, and this time, he dropped his helmet in anger. The clanging sound reverberated across the chamber, Snoke's large head turning towards him slowly as it flickered in and out of sight.

"Do you have something to say in return, Kylo Ren?" Snoke's voice boomed again, and Kylo could feel Cara inching closer to him by the second.

Kylo tried his hardest to keep his voice controlled, worried that the raising of his voice would only give Hux more ammunition against him. "I do not think that General Hux's opinion is of any significance in this matter, Supreme Leader."

Snoke remained quiet, clearly waiting for Hux's rebuttal. Kylo could tell that his leader's gaze was trained on Cara, who was shivering behind him quietly, not having uttered a word since Hux had interrupted them mere moments ago.

"It is a matter which now affects the entirety of the First Order, Supreme Leader. Master Ren's judgement has clearly become clouded due to his relationship with the girl,' Hux spat out the last few words, emphasizing his distaste for Kylo's situation, 'and she is obviously of no use to us. She does not even hold a rank within the Resistance effort."

"You talk about me as though I am not even here." Cara whispered behind Kylo, and he could feel his heart rate increase exponentially, worry for her encompassing his entire being. He wished she would remain quiet, but knew her better than this. She stood up for herself, as always. A small voice in the back of his mind hoped that Snoke had not heard her words, but it was naïve of him to think so. Hux had not, however, and he continued to stare defiantly at the Supreme Leader.

"Ah, she has a voice," Snoke said, and Hux's head whipped towards Kylo and Cara, suddenly alert.

She stepped out from behind Kylo, and he suddenly wished that he could push her back, out of the door, place her onto a TIE Fighter and never see her again. It would be easier than to endure this. He had tortured many prisoners using the Force before, and never given much thought to how it must have made them feel. This agony, this constant anxiety, was what he imagined it must be like. He did not feel sorry for any of his victims, no – but he did understand his own techniques better now. Why the prisoners always broke.

"As I said before, Supreme Leader, she is irrelevant." Hux said, trying to take back control of the situation.

"I will judge this for myself, General."

Kylo could not help but feeling a little satisfied as the smug look disappeared off of Hux's face, but they were far from the end of this. Kylo understood Snoke's tactics. He would deny them an answer until they were begging for one.

"She is not a Force user, obviously,' Snoke continued, 'and yet, Master Ren would like to keep her around. Seems fond of her, even. A link to his past which he thought he had severed. So there must be something relevant about her, General. Power does not only lie with people who shout and demand attention from their followers."

General Hux's face turned to stone, anger etched into the frown lines on his forehead. Kylo bent his head, trying to ask Snoke for mercy without words.

"So, enlighten us. What is the purpose of this girl? What has Cara Nova ever done for you, Master of the Knights of Ren?" Snoke said, his voice softer, taking on the tone he had always used whenever he had spoken to Kylo in his mind, back when he was still grooming him to join the Dark Side.

"She is here as a reminder, Supreme Leader."

Nobody said anything. Cara had retreated behind him once more, but he could feel the warmth of her breath against the back of his neck, and she was standing even closer than out in the hallway. Her warmth filled him with encouragement. He needed her to stay here.

"She is a reminder of everything I left behind, and why. She reminds me of Organa and Solo, people who abandoned Ben Solo to his fate. People who had been afraid of his anger, unable to see the potential it had. She is a reminder of everything I loathe, and why I loathe it. She is a reminder of why I joined the Dark Side. And I believe, Supreme Leader, that she can join me there one day as well."

He could feel Cara stiffen behind him, but somehow, he knew, that his words would not bother her as much as she may well convince herself they should.

"Yes, I can sense the anger within her. It feels much like your own used to, Master Ren."

Hux remained quiet throughout all of this, clearly stunned at the calm and collected manner in which Snoke was addressing Kylo, even after all of his supposed failures over the past few months.

"The imbalance in the Force is not the only discrepancy I am worried about. I have noticed an imbalance within you as well, Kylo Ren. The last few months have wavered your devotion to the Dark Side. I believe this girl will either be your savior or your downfall, Master Ren. Which she becomes is up to you."

Kylo stepped forwards, hardly believing his hearing. Would Snoke truly allow Cara to stay here, with him?

"The death of Han Solo was merely the beginning in your final training, Kylo Ren. If I sense that she disturbs the Force around you, that she is leading you from your path, she will be the next step in your final training. Do you understand?" Snoke spoke with such finality, such unearthed anger, that all Kylo could do was nod vigorously in return. He knew Cara, though. He knew that she would stop at nothing to lead him back towards the Light – even if it meant putting herself in harm's way.

He could see Hux's hands relaxing simultaneously to him clenching his own around his weapon. The hilt of his lightsaber was heavy in his grip, as though it remembered how he had used it against Han Solo and was forewarning him of what he might have to do to Cara.

He knew what he had to do. He had to continue training her, to continue showing her the liberties that came with being affiliated to the Dark Side: the passion and freedom to be as hateful and angry as you wanted, the ease with which one could make decisions, the simplicity of the life she could have, as part of the First Order.

He needed to show her the life they could have, together, surrounded by the Dark Side of the Force.

* * *

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I really do love writing from Kylo's POV, he's such an interesting character. I'm going to continue to do more chapters from his point of view in the future, and I think I might add some memories of just him as well. If you've got any feedback or comments, please review, and thank as always for reading.

R.I.P. Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, you will be missed.


	15. Chapter 15

Kylo Ren's POV

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" _Ben, son, are you sure you don't want to come with me to the hangar? You can help me fix the Falcon."_

 _He looked up from his book, splayed out across his bed. He had had enough of his father, for one day. Han had told him he needed apologize to his mother for throwing a tantrum and breaking one of the vases in their living quarters. Ben had refused – why should he need to apologize for something that was not his fault? His mother had provoked him into becoming angry, and while he had felt guilty about it at the time – she was his mother, after all – he knew that he was in the right. His practicing his fighting technique alone was not a valid reason for his parents to become so fearful. Besides, Cara was often there when he trained. He just could not understand why they were always so worried about him._

 _Han sighed, stepping further into Ben's room. "You know your mother only wants what's best for you, Ben. She worries about you."_

 _He didn't respond. He felt his father's statements did not warrant an answer. If his parents could not understand why he was so angry with them, he would not be the one to tell them. He flipped to the next page in his book, hoping this would indicate to his father that he did not want to talk about it anymore. Han's tactics of leaving every small problem for Leia to handle or for Cara to talk to him about had seemed to work for them thus far. He was not about to break that family tradition._

" _Well, I guess you know where to find me if you change your mind." Han paused for a moment, lowering his eyes in defeat before he retreated out of the room. Ben sat up after the door closed, leaving the rest of his book unstudied. In a huff of anger, he strode across the room, picking up his practice stick once more. He realized that his training session had been cut short that morning, and he gripped the wood tightly in his hand. It was rough against his skin, the material having become worn after many instances of use. It felt familiar, and comforting._

 _He swung it around in the air, cutting a graceful arc as he pretended that he was wounding one of his future enemies. Stepping back and changing direction, he swung again, this time in a fierce downward motion, knowing that if someone had stood in front of him right then and the weapon in his hand had been a proper lightsaber, it would have been a deathly blow._

 _Not allowing the end of the stick to hit the floor, he gripped it even firmer in his hand, determined to continue with the practice session he had been engaged in this morning before his mother had burst in. Stepping out of his room, he looked down the hallway to make sure his father was not still there, lurking around to try and talk some more sense into him. Instead, he found the corridor empty, giving Ben free reign to search for Cara to ask if she wanted to join him. He always enjoyed sparring with her – while her skill level in combat was nowhere near as good as his, Ben always got the feeling that she reveled in feeling powerful, in knowing that she might someday be able to master this particular skill. Ben just enjoyed teaching her. It was as simple as that._

 _As he made his way to her room on the other side of the base, he could feel the air around him shift and morph into something else. It was not the first time he had felt this change in atmosphere. It happened every other time he was angry nowadays, and had started two years ago. Now he was nine years old, and although he still did not know what it meant, the sensation did not scare him anymore, but rather invigorated his will to prove himself. It was as if the Force was there with him, encouraging him in his emotions._

 _This feeling of power and acceptance of the Force was not something he could share with Cara, however. Not yet. He wanted to understand it before he spoke to her of it – while he knew that she would support him no matter what – she was his best friend, after all – this was something that he wanted to keep to himself. For now._

 _He turned on his heel, quickly going in the opposite direction of her room, heading back to the training room once more. He hoped that he would not run into her now. It would be hard for him to say no to a chance to enjoy her company._

 _Finally having reached the door of the training room, he took a deep breath to compose himself before stepping inside. He wanted to be focused, make the most of his training, of the Force encouraging him to take this time for himself to hone his craft. He could almost hear the Force in his mind, egging him on, giving him all the permission he needed to completely let go of his inhibitions and take it out on the dummy puppet within the training facility. No one else was there, as usual. No one was as dedicated as he was._

 _He practiced his stance, he practiced his footwork. He practiced his swings, and his arches, feeling himself become stronger, more powerful. His anger bubbled up inside of him, allowing it to cloud all other thoughts from his mind. It was just him now, his talent, his strength, the Force and the whispers. He felt completely in control of himself here._

" _ **Let yourself feel, young one. Allow the Force to feed your anger, allow yourself to be free."**_ _The whispers suddenly became much clearer. The voice that spoke to him was strong, and calming, deep in tone and comforting in presence. Ben allowed himself to listen to it, knowing that the Force and whatever messenger it had sent into his thoughts would never steer him wrong. It was like the voice knew what he was feeling, knew what he wanted._

 _Now, suddenly, he could not wait to tell Cara about his discovery. She would know what it meant, she would encourage him as the Force was encouraging him. He almost immediately stopped his practice, bubbling over with excitement at sharing this new development with his best friend; but the voice knew, as the Force always would, and he allowed himself to be directed by it, the words imposing yet soothing._

" _ **This will be our secret, young master. Your training is all your own. No one can take that away from you."**_

 _That was the first time Snoke had spoken to him. It had not been the last._

* * *

"Kylo?" Cara's soft voice snapped him out of his daydream. He had almost not responded to the name, having heard Han's voice calling him Ben so vividly in his mind as though he was still that same nine year old trying to calm down after a tantrum. He turned towards Cara, and suddenly he remembered where they were – she looked older, toughened, angered and frightened. That was not a look she had ever carried when Ben Solo and herself had been children.

"What do we do now?" She whispered, as though she was scared to startle him further. Her eyes had widened at the sight of him, and he realized the look in his eyes was likely not as hard as she had grown accustomed to, but softened by the dreaminess of a childhood memory. She moved a step closer towards him, her hand reaching out, but she retracted it almost immediately, having seemingly changed her mind. He suddenly wished she had not.

He cleared his throat, making sure it did not sound affected by what had just transpired. Snoke had all but threatened her life, forcing Kylo's hand. He had been backed into a corner, with no way out – Hux witnessing the exchange was only the tip of the iceberg. He felt trapped, bewildered. Cara's presence would have been soothing had she not been the source of all his problems. He felt conflicted, and yet feeling Cara so close to him, that absolute and undeniable pull he felt towards her, only made matters worse. He wanted her there, no matter her fate. It was selfish of him, but that was who he was now. He was selfish. He was a Master of the Knights of Ren, and he would do anything to get his way.

"I take you to your new quarters. We will train together, and you will stay out of the way. Supreme Leader Snoke's orders are not to be questioned," he said, trying to sound as authoritative as he possibly could. She was standing so close to him, and she felt like home – more so than any of the Star Destroyers or First Order bases ever had before.

"I never would have taken his words lightly," Cara said, trying to reassure him.

His kinship with her only grew in that moment, and he suddenly felt like she would understand if he were to tell her about what had happened to him as a child, how Snoke had spoken to him, comforted him, taught him the ways of the Dark Side through the Force, through the voice in his head. Cara would understand – she always had. He desperately wanted to tell her how Ben Solo had died and how Kylo Ren was truly born. He felt she was ready.

"But I do not respect them either," she continued, her words forcing him to take a step backwards, as though she had hit him with one of their practice sticks instead of making a simple statement. Anger flared up inside of him, his feelings never having been so contradictory to one another. What was she doing to him? Was this what Snoke was trying to warn him of? He could not form any words.

"I know that makes you angry, Kylo. I can tell by the way you've gripped your lightsaber once more."

He had not even felt his hand move towards his weapon. He felt strangely proud of her observation, rejoicing in the feeling that she knew him so well, even now, as Kylo Ren.

"I will fight for you, Kylo. You can count on me."

She said her words with such conviction, such raw emotion, that he could barely pull himself together. All he wanted right now was to be selfish, to lock her away where only he could reach her, be with her. Somewhere were Snoke could not reach them, and she would be safe, and the only worry she would ever have was over him, and if he was the man she hoped he could be. He wanted that for himself. He wanted her.

He let go of his lightsaber, taking a step towards her. She seemed almost frightened, and it hurt him – but he realized the look in his eyes was probably quite wild, fueled by the dreams he had of keeping her for himself, away from harm.

"I know you will, Cara Nova. I never would have doubted it for a second."

Without warning, she grabbed his fighting hand, and the action both shocked and delighted him. She wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her, he liked to imagine, and the feeling of her fingers between his made him feel annoyed that he had not had the foresight to take off his gloves. He wanted to feel her skin against his, rather greedily, knowing that her warmth was his and his only. She pulled on his arm, their hands anchoring them to one another as he allowed himself to be tugged out of Snoke's menacing chamber by the only person he would ever allow himself to be pulled along by.

* * *

A/N: Another chapter! I hope you enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun writing it. I love writing from Kylo's POV, even though I've already mentioned that a few times, haha! As always, thank you for reading, reviewing, following and adding this story to your favourites. It means a lot.


	16. Chapter 16

Cara's POV

* * *

She led him out of the room, careful not to scare him, to trip him up. Kylo seemed to be comforted by her presence, and while she was still shook up by her encounter with Snoke, having Kylo hold her hand made her feel like she was on top of the world. She almost forgot who Kylo was, where he had come from. At the moment, she was just a girl holding the hand of a boy that she loved. He could do no wrong, and neither could she.

Cara knew, however, that was a dangerous assumption to make. Kylo Ren had hurt her and scared her - and his attempted continuous loyalty to Snoke made her worry for him and for herself. She needed to gain control of the situation. She needed to start fighting for him, just as she had promised to do.

But it was hard. As they stepped out of the chamber, she looked back at him, expecting him to tell her which way they were supposed to go. He had said that he would take her back to her new chamber. She hoped it was not as dark and dank as the previous one had been. Cara turned her gaze towards him, trying to catch his eye - but instead she was treated to the sight of his defiant mask, and she wished she could see his face. Even a look at his harsh scar would have been welcome now.

"Where to?" she asked, a playful hint in her tone of voice. Anything to stay in this moment a little longer. One terrifying encounter was now behind them. She was certain there were plenty more to come.

She expected Kylo to be the one to pull her along now, forcing her to follow him. She expected him to show his strength, his influence over her, she expected him to show her that he was still in charge, and that the First Order was still his domain. Instead, he asked her a question.

"Do you want to train?" Kylo asked, and she was so shocked by his question, so pleased by this unexpected turn of events, that all she could do was nod in response.

"Follow me," he said, and she obeyed, gripping his hand tighter just to make sure that he would not let go. They walked along dozens of corridors, down numerous flights of stairs until they reached the end of one particularly shadowed hallway. Cara knew without even having to ask that this is where Kylo went whenever he was angry, irritated, or generally confused.

Kylo let go of her hand then, and in the moment that she was disappointed in the loss of contact, he moved beside her to unlock the door. It swung open rather violently, as though it had been stuck in its lock for the longest time. Even in places where Kylo did not truly have a home, she understood that he would be able to find the one place where he could be as irrational as he wanted to be.

He stepped aside to let her through first, and if this had happened in the first week after he had taken her, before she had found out who had truly been hiding behind the mask of Kylo Ren, she would have been terrified. Now, however, she trusted his conflicted feelings for her; she trusted that he needed her. She stepped past him, her arm brushing against his, and the involuntary but expected shiver ran up her spine as it always did when she was this close to him. The Force only knew how much she wanted to be near him, constantly.

Cara stepped quietly into the room, and even though she was light-footed, her steps still echoed all around her. She had stepped into a chamber made entirely of the cold grey metal the rest of the First Order seemed to be constructed of; but there was nothing else in the room to redirect the sound, and so every breath she took echoed loudly around her. It was dark, but not threateningly so. The room was illuminated by the light of the stars outside, through one giant window that covered almost the entirety of the far wall. Cara looked through it with awe, briefly wondering how long it would take her to count all the stars she saw in the expansive stretch of galaxy before her. She was so mesmerized by the sight she hardly noticed Kylo walk up behind her.

She looked up at him. He had taken off his mask. She thought she would have been shocked to see his scar again, but this time, she was not. There was something about the way it was illuminated in the soft light of the stars outside that made it look like a part of him that had always been there. It seemed to fit the contours of his face now - the soft line of his cheekbone, the curve of his lips. It was there, permanently, and Cara only now realized how it was just another part of him that she would grow to love.

"So you wanted to train?" she said, trying to shake herself out of her examination of him. Studying his face this closely only made her want to lose control. As much as she believed that Kylo felt the same way about her, too much physical contact was probably still out of the question.

"I think it's a good idea, yes," he said.

She looked around, her eyes having now completely adjusted to do the dim light of the room. "Should we turn on the lights? Are there any practice sticks?"

"We won't be needing any practice sticks today."

Cara turned to him, confused. "Okay?"

"On this ship, within the entirety of the First Order, I am the only one wielding a lightsaber. You've been trained in weapons combat before. Have you ever been trained in hand-to-hand combat?"

She understood the implications of what he was saying. She could feel her breathing becoming erratic. She hoped he would not notice.

"No. Ben was always adamant about training with - with the sticks. The practice sticks." Cara cursed herself for sounding so unsure. The last thing she needed now was to seem weak in front of him. If she wanted him to completely trust her, he needed to know that she could handle herself around him.

"Then we change that, now."

She had to stop herself from shaking. She always longed to be close to him. Even if it was just in training. Kylo's warmth made her feel oddly safe, and at home. Wherever he was, she wanted to be. Cara could only hope that he felt the same way about her.

"The lights?" Cara asked as she tried to steady herself.

"There won't always be fluorescent lighting when you end up in a situation where you have to defend yourself, Cara. Learning to fight in dim lighting will make your senses more attune to your surroundings and your opponent." Kylo said, gently pushing her into the middle of the room.

Cara took a few deep breaths, readying herself for the altercation to come. She hoped Kylo would be gentle with her - but if her past training sessions with Ben were anything to go by, he would give it all he had. Ben had believed that immediately training with high stakes improved somebody's reflexes and instincts. Even though Ben and Kylo were drastically different people in many ways, they were also similar in many others. Cara had a hunch that this was one of those similarities.

She took the stance she remembered Kylo had taught her on the last ship. Spreading her legs for better balance, she brought her hands up above her chin. Kylo kept his upright stance, hands folded behind his back, circling her slowly. She was trying to anticipate when he would strike. She craned her neck to follow his movements as best she could. His tall frame cast a shadow on the wall behind him. He completed the circle around her, and was in front of her again. It seemed his cycle had moved him a step closer towards her. She could see a few of the stray strands of hair framing his face.

All of a sudden, he sprang towards her, sending a fist towards her stomach. She dodged the blow, a little shocked by his sudden tenacity. She started circling around him too, trying to find an opening in which to launch her own attack. She could feel goosebumps forming all over her body - it was a combination of nerves, warmth, and concentration that made her feel vulnerable and invincible at the same time. Perhaps that was what Kylo was aiming for. Perhaps he wanted her to unleash her anger again.

"Come at me, Cara. Show me what you're capable of," Kylo said, taunting her, praising her.

She took another moment to deliberate. What was his weakest spot? She remembered a time when they were sparring as kids and she had kicked Ben's legs out from under him to win the sparring session. She couldn't help the smile that her lips formed.

"You're not cheating by looking into my memories right now, are you?" Cara asked, taunting Kylo right back.

"You would have felt it if I was," Kylo said.

She stepped away from him, and a split-second look of confusion crossed his face as he tried to anticipate what she was about to do. He seemed to anticipate a punch, as he brought his hands up closer to his face, so she did the exact opposite. Crouching down to the floor and sliding herself towards him, she kicked out her leg, sweeping his feet off the ground. He crashed onto the floor. While she had hoped for some exclamation of surprise, he remained as stoic as ever, not uttering a sound. Cara was feeling strong, however, and climbed over him ready to elbow his chest to the ground and proclaim herself the winner.

Kylo seemed to have other ideas. Before she could bring her forearm against his chest, he got up, using the momentum of his swinging legs to bring himself on his feet once more. Cara was shocked - he had pushed her off himself rather violently, and she had rolled a few steps away from him. She could feel a few bruises forming on her back, but she was more annoyed than anything else. Why couldn't he let her have a victory?

"What's that I see, Cara? Irritated that your little surprise maneuver failed to work against me? This is only your first session. You should have known better."

He was taunting her - he wanted to bring out the hate in her. Her previous hunch had been right. Unfortunately, his tactic was working. She could feel the heat of her annoyance flushing her skin, threatening to boil over into anger. She sprang towards him again, trying to connect her fist with his abdomen, ducking under his own hands. He dodged her, of course, and he brought his own punch towards her abdomen, hitting her in the waist just before she moved away. Using her momentary pain, he jumped behind her, twisting her arm behind her back. Cara winced, knowing that if he was using his full strength against her right now the pain would be much worse.

"See how much more stamina you have when you unlock yourself from your terror and allow anger to seep through? How did it make you feel when Snoke spoke down to you? How did it make you feel when Hux ignored you, treated you as though you were nothing more than scum? How did it feel when I - when I told the Supreme Leader that I would follow his orders regarding you? What did it make you feel, Cara?" he asked, his voicing rising over the sound of her heavy breathing.

She lashed out. Turning out of his grasp, she threw out her fist once more, finally making contact with the side of his waist. Using his surprise at her momentum, she kicked him in the knee, making his leg buckle. Her victory was short-lived, however. He grabbed her foot as she tried to make contact with his shin, pulling and immediately after pushing it away so that she lost her balance. She allowed herself a moment to catch her breath.

"Why are you doing this, Kylo? Why do you constantly want to bring out the anger I have? Why can't you let me trap it beneath the surface?"

"Because anger is a part of who you are, Cara. Just as it is a part of who I am. When you let it out, it's magnificent, and I feel closer to you than I ever have before. Show me how much this pains you. Show me how much you hate who I have become!" he yelled, and there was a pain in his voice that she could not quite place.

She stood up again, her hands clenching into fists by her side. There was a horrible part of her that wanted to hit him for manipulating her into become this angered, hating version of herself. She also knew he was right. The anger would not be so prominent if it had not always been there.

He looked at her, his eyes wild. This was the Kylo he had been just after he had captured her. But she knew him better now. She knew how he felt about her, and she was torn between letting her hands relax and trying one more attack.

"I wouldn't have come back here with you if I hated who you'd become, Kylo. I would have thought that after everything we've now been through together you would know that."

He lunged at her, using her own previous tactic of sweeping her feet out from under her. Cara landed on her back, and she knew she had lost. She did not have the energy to plan another attack against him. Not after her furious anger had dissolved into a weakened emotional state.

Kylo knelt over her and used his gloved hand to wipe the strands of hair that had stuck to her perspiration-covered forehead. Cara smiled at him softly.

"Of course I know." he said.

"So then why do you taunt me that way?" she asked, genuinely curious to know the answer. She was in no hurry to get up, either. It was nice to see him take on such a gentle stance over her.

"Because I sometimes need to remind myself that you're truly here, and here for me."

Cara forced herself to sit up, and Kylo had to shift away from her a little so that she could fold her legs underneath her. Even after the physical exertion, his scar still looked softer in the light of the galaxy, and she couldn't help herself when she allowed her finger to trace over it lightly. He did not flinch, he did not scoot away. Instead, he watched her with an intensity so fierce she almost had to look away from him. She might have even preferred it if he had closed his eyes. This seemed too intimate, an unknown territory - even more intimate than the kisses they had shared all those weeks ago. Without being able to stop herself, she leaned forward, ignoring Kylo's eyes growing wider in confusion as she moved closer to him. She allowed her lips to gently land on the bridge of his nose, where his scar was thin but the color seemed darker. The scarred skin was soft beneath her touch, and she closed her eyes as she felt him lean into her. It took her a moment or two before she allowed herself to pull away from him.

"I'd say we're here for each other," Cara said, and they continued to sit there in that dark room, unwilling to face the fate that the First Order had waiting for them outside.

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A/N: Another chapter! I'm sorry this took so much longer than the last few updates. I've been back at uni and am trying to figure out if I want to do a PhD next year, so I just don't have as much time to work on this as I would like. I hope you enjoyed this, though - thanks as ever for any reviews you guys leave, and for following and adding this story to your favorites. It's what keeps me determined to update this, even if it takes long between chapters! xx


	17. Chapter 17

Kylo's POV

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He could hear her breathing next to him, and he wondered if she felt just as worn out as he was. It was not normal for him to feel so tired, so drained. Usually, he called on the Force to give him the energy he needed to carry out the deeds he need to perform. Most of his power came from his shows of strength, and most of the fear he inflicted on people came from his ability to wield The Dark Side of the Force. Yet, whenever he was around Cara, he found himself calling on the Force for a different reason. He needed its strength to keep her at arm's length, to not let him be seduced by the light. No matter how much he tried to pull out her anger, and no matter how much she seemed to want to let him, there was still that side of her that was out to save him. It was getting harder for him to resist it.

Snoke's words rang in his mind. _"She will be the next step in your final training, do you understand?"_

"Would you like to have another go at fighting?" he said, trying to redirect his thoughts into something productive. He could still feel the soft touch of her lips on his scar. He wanted to shake it off as much as he wanted to feel it linger there forever.

She sighed deeply. He wanted to move closer to her.

"No,' she said, 'but we could stay here. Let's just stop. Let's just stop trying. Let's stop trying to change anything. I can stop trying to fix you, and you can stop trying to sway me to your side, and we can let everything else just run its course while we stay here in this echoing chamber and leave everything else behind."

"You won't do that," Kylo responded.

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you will never stop trying to save me. Just as I'll never stop trying to make you utterly mine."

She stilled, and he noticed that her breathing had become almost imperceptible. He had the sudden urge to look into her thoughts, and he could feel the Force surrounding him, spurring him on. He felt the outer reaches of her mind without even trying, and he had a hard time restraining himself from feeling what she was feeling.

"Don't," she said.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately, and Kylo could feel himself retracting his reach away from her thoughts. He could not remember the last time he had apologized to anyone, for anything. Cara noticed as well.

"I want to share myself with you, Kylo. Because I think there are certain things we both need to remember. About who you used to be, who I used to be. Who we were together – but I want to show you on my own terms. If you look now… If you force yourself in the way you did before, I'll only be able to show you the weakest parts of myself, and I don't want you to see me like that. I want you to see me as someone who can actually help you. As someone who won't be your downfall just because I care for you."

He allowed himself to move closer to her, if only to be able to hear the patterns of her breathing better.

"If you betray me, I might have to," he said, trying to show some semblance of control.

"I don't think I'm the one in this room that would be susceptible to betraying the other," Cara said, quietly.

It took him a moment to process her words. He could feel himself standing up and striding away from her before his mind caught up to what his body was doing.

"Who is the one who tried to run away from me? To flee, with a traitorous soldier and a captured prisoner? You tried to leave me, abandon me! You wanted to leave because you thought I couldn't be saved. Do I need to remind you how angry that made me? You are the one who finally did leave me, when I was at my weakest, when I needed you the most." He could feel his voice rising, shaking. The sentiment was weak; he had forgiven her for that indiscretion long ago. He could hear Snoke's words drifting through his mind once again.

"I did, because I was terrified of what would become of me had I stayed. I know you cared for me back then too Kylo, but there were other threats surrounding me. You know that as well as anyone. Those threats still surround me. I came back for you, Kylo. Only you." She said this as calmly as he had ever seen her. Where his anger had made him rise and pace, her determination had allowed her to stay sitting on the floor. The light of the stars illuminated her hair, and he could see the stray strands hanging limply around her face. She looked tired, yet fierce. He could feel his heart beating erratically.

"You should have trusted me," he said, his voice low and threatening.

"I did trust you! But you tried to ruin that at every chance you got! You tried to hurt me, you tried to interrogate my mind, you killed your own – your own father! And I still trust you Kylo, I still trust that you can be better than this – better than the Dark Side, better than Snoke, better than your grandfather. You do not have to be him! You do not have to follow him! But you will have to listen to me, let me help you, let me be with you, Kylo – because I want to be with you, I do. I want you to be with me, too."

He was stunned into silence. It was not often that someone spoke to him so candidly, with so much emotion. He could see her trembling on the floor, and he fought the urge to pull her up towards him so that he could hold her face in his hands, look into her eyes and see the desperation that he longed to see in them, the desperation which he knew almost certainly to be there. Her eyes were downcast, however, and he stopped himself, challenging her statements instead.

"You still see me as Ben," he said, in an accusatory tone.

"If I still saw you as Ben, Kylo, I would have been more shocked when you merely nodded at Snoke when he told you to kill me."

She looked up at him – and for some reason he was surprised that there were not any tears in her eyes. All he saw was determination in the arch of her brow and the way she narrowed her eyes at him. Even though she was sitting, and he was towering over her, as he had done to so many victims previously, he knew she held the upper hand.

"Why did you do it, Kylo?" Cara asked.

"If I had not agreed with Snoke's terms you would not have been sitting here right now."

"That's not what I meant. Why did you do it?" she repeated.

He knew what it was she wanted to hear. She wanted to hear his remorse, to see his anguish. He could not give it to her.

"Because he was a weakness, set to undermine me."

"Then what am I?" she asked. Cara was still sitting down. It was infuriating.

"I do not know," he said, turning away from her. He could feel his blood boil. He was angry with her for insinuating that he cared, that his father's death mattered to him. It did not. It should not. It could not.

"Yes you do. I'm a part of you, Kylo. No matter how much you have always tried to deny it. Your father was a part of you too. I know you feel it. I know you feel angry. There is someone you could direct that anger towards. Someone that you could defy. Snoke does not have to control you forever."

"What happened to your being frightened of the Supreme Leader?"

She finally stood up, and he could feel some of the tension leave his shoulders. It had been infuriating to see her sitting there, standing her ground against him like that, as though he was the one who was worried and scared.

"I never said I wasn't frightened. But you are not the Supreme Leader, Kylo – and I believe he has underestimated you."

She was standing in front of him now. One of the stray strands of hair had escaped from behind her ear, and the disruption of her grace and beauty by this one stray hair annoyed him to no end. He lifted his hand, and he almost expected her to flinch; but she looked straight into his eyes. He pushed the strand back behind her ear, and he noted that her hair was no longer as soft as he remembered it being – rather it was coarse, and dry, and for some reason it hit him hard that he was the cause of her hair having become so lifeless. He reached up his other hand to cup her face, feeling the need to show her that he didn't care how she looked, or what state she was in, but that he was just happy to have her there with him.

Cara smiled at him, as she put her left hand over his, holding his palm against her face. Her cheek was flushed. He could almost feel the blood right beneath the surface, heating up her skin.

"Help me, Kylo."

In that moment, he was willing to give her anything. She closed her eyes, and he leaned in, and he could feel his forehead touching hers. He could not control it; the Force surrounded him, and he could feel himself reaching into her mind, but she did not tell him to stop this time. He could feel her warm breath on his face, her hand warming his, her hair tickling his cheek. He forgot who he was, where he was. He wanted her to touch her lips to his scar again. He could see flashes of Cara's smile, he could see her as a young child, holding the hand of Ben Solo. He saw flashes of D'Qar, and the rebel base. Everything he saw came to his mind's eye as quickly as it left, but he allowed himself to watch, as long as Cara would allow him to see.

" _Bring him home to me, Cara Nova. Bring home my son."_

He ripped himself away from Cara. That voice, he knew that voice. He tried to shake it out of his head, putting his hands to his forehead as though the Force would allow him to extract that particular memory of Cara's from his thoughts, so that he wouldn't have to hear those words. He wouldn't have to hear that voice.

He looked at Cara, feeling betrayed. She had known what she was doing. She had told him that she wanted to share herself with him – and she had. She had shared the one thing she knew would anger and despair him the most; the sound of his mother's voice.

Supreme Leader Snoke had been right. Cara Nova would be his downfall.

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A/N: I am so sorry that this chapter took so long. I only have the same excuses as last time. In any case, I hope you enjoyed it. Who else is still losing their mind over The Last Jedi teaser?! Hopefully new chapter sooner than this one. As always, reviews are highly appreciated it. xx


	18. Chapter 18

Kylo's POV

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"I thought you didn't want me to look into your thoughts," Kylo said, his voice dripping with venom. He was angry with Cara. She must have known how that voice would make him feel. He could see it in her eyes, in the way she inched closer to him as he stepped away from her. The light of the stars outside covered half her face in shadow, her face looking more gaunt and sinister than he had ever seen it. He was not ready for another betrayal from her. Not again.

"I said I didn't want you to look into my thoughts if I told you to stop. I did not tell you to stop," Cara said. She reached out her hand to him, and a part of him wanted her to take it, to force his fingers between her own, capture the moment of their closeness once more.

"That voice means nothing to me anymore," Kylo said.

"Your reaction tells me otherwise," Cara said, "Please, Kylo. Just listen to me. Listen to her voice, listen to what lies beneath it!"

"There is no reason to," he said, turning away from her. Leia's words would be etched into his memory forever.

A moment of silence passed between them, and he could feel it pressing down on his shoulders. He was tempted to put his mask on again, escort her out and give himself a moment to collect his thoughts.

"I do not want you to be my downfall," Kylo whispered, cursing himself for revealing his biggest weakness to her. If Cara had been able to read his thoughts as he was able to do with her, she would have known this was his fear since the moment he saw her again that dark knight on Jakku.

"I don't have to be," she whispered back. She was standing behind him again. He imagined her hand was itching to grasp his shoulder, his arm, an anchor to hold herself up. It was what he would have done, had their positions been reversed. He hated himself for that want. That need.

He stalked towards the door, grabbing his lightsaber and putting his mask back on. He pulled the door open, the ugly, bland light from the hallway spilling into the dark chamber. He watched her shadow shield her eyes, turning his head only slightly so that she would not miss his next words.

"I will take you to your new room now. I need to check what our next strategy is going to be," Kylo said.

"Alright," she said. Her voice was devoid of inflection – but he knew better than to think she was giving up. She would bide her time, alright. Just as he would have done.

"Follow me," he said, sweeping into the corridor. His robes billowed behind him, and he felt her eyes on him the entire way.

After they finally crossed the bridge over into the living quarters, he noticed the ship shifting into lightspeed. The galaxy blurred alongside the ship, and Cara steadied herself using his arm, her grip almost like a vice. He tried to wrench himself out of her grip, but couldn't allow himself to, and as the ship fell out of hyperspace her imbalance forced her to let go herself. He felt like he could breathe again.

" _Bring her to my ship,"_ a voice in his head said. Kylo felt the sudden heaviness of Snoke's ship above them, and as he looked out the window he saw a few of the First Order's other Star Destroyers surrounding them. Snoke's voice echoed around his mind, and he grabbed Cara's arm again, heading towards the hangar.

"Where are we going? Where are we?" Cara said, her voice sounding slightly panicked. Even if he had known, he would not have answered her. On some disdainful level, he wanted her to be confused. He wanted her to feel as disordered as he did just then.

She was struggling to keep up with his large strides. He was struggling not to slow down for her.

Once they reached the hangar, every Stormtrooper, cleaner and technician got out of his way. He was headed for his own ship, to the comfort of his own controls. He needed to remind everyone who he was within the First Order. He was following Snoke's command, but he was doing so because he wanted to. He repeated that to himself over and over again. He wanted to go to Snoke's ship. It was the best place to find answers.

He wished Cara would tell him they should go to Snoke's ship. He knew she would say they should stay on this Star Destroyer instead.

"Kylo, please? Tell me what's happening," Cara's voice reached him through all the chaos, soothing him. A technician was scrambling to untether his ship from the floor. He was becoming impatient. He needed to know what was happening. There had never been an instance before where he was not in the loop about any attacks.

Kylo was in a hurry, but he urged Cara in gently, more gently than even he knew he was capable of. She looked back at him, her eyes sympathetic, and he hated the idea that she knew he was as clueless as she was. He scrambled in front of her, getting into his pilot's seat. The familiar motions of turning on the controls, the hum of the engines beneath his feet made him feel like he was in command once again. As soon as they flew out of the hangar, he angled his fighter upwards, smoothly heading towards Snoke's enormous vessel.

"Where are we?" Cara asked again, sounding unsure of herself. Without even thinking about it, he looked at the navigational info on his dashboard, and uttered the word that would undoubtedly make her heart stop.

"D'Qar," he said, not realizing the implications of their position within the galaxy until he said the name out loud.

He heard a sharp intake of breath behind him. He gripped his controls tighter as they entered the new hanger, his gloved fingers curling around the handles.

"Kylo, please – you have to stop them. We can't let them destroy the base. We can't let them!"

Silence. He heard the erratic rhythm of her breathing as he lowered his ship back down into a docking station closest to the doors that allowed entrance to the ship. He would find Snoke as soon as he could. He needed answers, now. With any luck, Hux would not have arrived yet.

As the doors opened and he clambered out, Cara grabbed his hand, her hand clamping down on his fingers with a force that could only come from desperation.

"Kylo, what if - what if this is all my fault? What if my presence has allowed him to reach inside you further, or read my own mind? I do not know how strong he is, or what he is capable of, but there has to be a reason that they have found the base now, after all these years. You must have been able to block it from him before. I let you down, I let everyone we know down. Please, Kylo – you can't let them do anything. You have to stop them!" Cara exclaimed, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. At this precise moment, Kylo had no words. He could not bring himself to utter anything that would demean her fear, and as much as he wished to comfort her, he could not bring himself to do that either. He had never thought about it that way before – why hadn't he ever told the First Order where the Rebel base was? Perhaps he thought they had moved it, after all, Leia was no fool – she should have changed their base coordinates the second she knew Ben had switched sides. Had he given the Resistance the benefit of the doubt, or had some part of him wished to conceal them? Had Cara truly been the reason his secrets had been revealed?

Is that why Snoke wanted her within the confines of The First Order?

Kylo could feel his anger pulsing through him, his heart thumping against his rib cage. Betrayal, once more. This time, from a mentor he thought he could trust, someone who had seemed to have his best interests at heart. He looked at Cara's eyes, and he wanted to tell her it was going to be okay, but he had no words. His mask hid his face, and he was glad for it, because something told him this would have been the moment that Cara could have broken him completely, could she see his reaction.

He turned away from her, stomping once more across the much larger hangar. He needed to find an officer that could tell him what was happening. This was an act of war. He needed to be a part of that war.

Stalking towards the central control room, he almost forgot that Cara was scurrying after him. He could feel the eyes of troopers and those below him follow them with their gazes, startled and slightly bemused. Kylo was even willing to find Hux right now, if it meant getting some answers.

Finally, he found an officer hastily running back from bridge. Without any thought, he used the Force to throw the officer against the wall, holding him up, clenching his hand in a fist to keep him there. Cara stood behind him, her hand on his back, a reminder of who he could be.

"What is happening? What are we attacking? Tell me now!" Kylo bellowed, his metallic voice sounding through his mask. The officer looked scared, and Kylo sneered, reveling in the feeling of being feared once more.

"We've found the rebel base just as they're escaping, we can end the rebellion, here, and now!"

Kylo could feel Cara shake behind him. He let the officer crumple to the floor, who ran away once more as soon as his legs would allow. Kylo turned to the young woman behind him. Cara was clutching her stomach, trying to control her own breathing, looking up at him with a fear he hadn't seen since before he had revealed his identity to her.

"Kylo, you can't let them do this," she whispered, clearly trying to control her panic. He wanted to lean into her, but stopped himself. Snoke was plaguing his thoughts. Was his leader truly using Cara as a weapon only to gain more control over his pupil? Kylo shook at the thought. He did not want to believe Snoke would manipulate him that way. He couldn't. Not again.

"Ben, please," Cara said. Her last resort. He tried to block out her voice, focusing on the task at hand. He needed to confront Snoke. He was missing the action. He was missing the battle. He was lost. He didn't want to be.

"Stay here," he said, knowing she wouldn't heed his words. He stalked towards where he knew Snoke would be – in his chamber, surrounded by his Praetorian guard. He needed answers, now.

Suddenly, the ship shook with the force of a blast. Kylo stomped towards the nearest window, watching as one of their Dreadnought's got torn to pieces by a Resistance bomber. The cold of the glass barely registered against his gloved hands, and he couldn't help but wish that General Hux had been on that Dreadnought, knowing full well he wasn't. He leaned against the window, trying to understand what was happening. The Resistance were sure to flee in the aftermath of this small victory. Did he want them to?

"I want to know what is happening, too," Cara said, coming up behind him. She stood next to the window, staring out at the fiery destruction, her eyes reflecting the orange glow. Kylo leaned his helmet-covered head against the glass, feeling the tremors of the outside explosions against his skull.

"I think it's time you met Snoke in person," he said suddenly, surprising even himself.

"I thought you wanted me to stay here," she said, a tone of fear in her voice.

"I need answers. So do you. Come with me," Kylo said, turning away, not giving her a chance to stop him. He couldn't allow himself the distraction. Not now.

"Kylo, Ben – wait," she paused, causing Kylo turn towards her, still glad she could not see the pained expression on his face under his mask.

"I'm afraid," she said, admitting her fear to him. It made her oddly vulnerable – more vulnerable than she had ever been before she knew who he really was. More vulnerable than when Hux had interrogated her, or when Snoke had threatened her. Everything and everyone she knew and believed in had an uncertain future. He wanted to comfort her.

"You should be," he said instead, striding towards his master's chambers once more.

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A/N: I can't believe I've finally uploaded a new chapter. I'm so, so, sorry it took so long! Honestly, I was blocked a little for this story, and I thought the best way to get out of it would be to wait for TLJ and let that inspire me again, which it did! So the rest of the story (not sure how much longer it will be) will follow the events of TLJ in the broadest sense. Not everything will be the same, obviously. I hope you guys enjoy! I can't promise regular updating times but I do promise it won't take almost a year for the next chapter. Thanks for any reads, follows and reviews I received for this story (both parts) in the mean time. As always, it means a lot. Happy reading! xx


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